


The Slutty Webs One Weaves

by EmeraldofAsgard



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2020-10-11 07:41:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20542529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldofAsgard/pseuds/EmeraldofAsgard
Summary: Loki's Asgardian wife learns women write fanfiction about him on a trip to Midgard. She's edgy for the duration and lets him have it when they get back.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For those wondering, another chapter of Irked is in the making. For now, here's a mini crack fic. Silly plot bunnies. I was ambushed. ;)

Newlyweds Loki and Astrid just ended a months vacation on Midgard. They'd spent the final week in Manhattan, where she'd inexplicably grown distant. When arriving in Asgard, she politely greeted Heimdall and retrieved something from her suitcase. 

"Deal with the luggage, Loki. You're good at tricks. I've a tea date."

He made an annoyed face as she walked away. "Excellent, in fact."

"Surfing shits creek already?" Queried the Gatekeeper.

"Amusing. Poke fun at the husband who's no more educated about the bug up his wife's nose than the rest of the bloody universe." 

"Have you asked her what the problem is?" 

Loki opened a portal. "Brilliant, Heimdall. Pure genius you are. Why didn't I think of that?" He exited in their bedchambers, their luggage randomly thumping onto the floor behind him. "Of course I asked, you idiot." 

He was reading by the fireplace when Astrid returned. "Did Mother like her gift?"

"Loved it." She hastily ascended the stairs and soon a door slammed he knew wasn't theirs. 

Loki flung it open, tossed her over his shoulder and much to her chagrin, dumped her onto their bed. "You sleep here, remember? Now either I get an explanation for your disgruntlement, or you get a spanking. And not the kind you like." 

Astrid scurried off the opposite side. "Fine! You want to know why I've been so bitchy? Because Midgardian hoes write stories about you." 

Loki was genuinely befuddled. "They do?"

"Oh yes and not of fairy tales, where an Alien prince whisks them off to Asgard for a lifetime of marital bliss, rescuing puppies and teaching its upper crust how to grow marijuana..although one was similar. The rest are uncensored, pornographic, smut, God of Mischief!"

"Are they now?" 

Astrid frowned at his smug grin. 

"Nevermind. Why are you so angry? I can't control what people write."

"Nor your dick apparently and not angry Loki, furious! Half the shit they described, you've done with me!" 

'Fuck.' "Be reasonable, my lovely. You also dated before we met. Just think of all the sinful anomalies we've yet to explore."

"So you admit to dating hoes?! That's even worse!" She whipped a vase at his head which he caught in mid air. 

"Do mind your temper. That is an heirloom."

"Ha! For which I pity the artist commissioned. Forced to paint a royal, gleefully porking an eight legged horse."

"It was a joke gift, from Thor." 

"And an eye sore! Too bad I missed!"

"Astrid…"

"Why not commission one of him porking a bilgesnipe in a tutu and display it where Janes sleeps. Can't see that ending well!"

"He'd find that quite amusing, actually." 

"WRETCH!" She bellowed. "I'm going back to your Mothers!" 

"In only your shaft?"

"Easily solved."

Loki watched her wrestle a robe from a hanger, then loudly drag her unpacked suitcase down the stairs. 'Norns.' "And you're coming back when?" 

"Whenever the hell I feel like it!" 

He smirked when the hem of her robe got stuck in the door on her way out and she cursed, freeing herself. "I 'will' tame that temper of yours, my lovely. Eventually."  
*****

When Astrid hadn't returned by the next evening, Loki sought Frigga, who greeted him with a knowing smile. "Have you come to join your Father and I for dinner?" 

"Perhaps, after speaking with my beloved. Is she about?"

"Your wife left for Midgard this morning, darling." 

"What?! And you let her, unescorted?"

"Astrid insisted and bless her for not waking you so early." 

"Are you bonkers, Mother? I would've preferred it." 

Frigga shrugged a shoulder. "She did leave a note." 

Loki's eyes bulged reading it. 'Returning to investigate more of your carnal escapades. The first place I encountered them was on a site called tumblr. From there, I learned of archiveofourown where my second investigation will commence. Your furious spouse.'

"Raincheck on dinner, Mother!"

Frigga rejoined Odin. "I pray to the Norns he hasn't left behind…"

Odin choked on the ale in his goblet. "Must you dare to mention that frightening possibility?"  
***** 

Loki appeared before Heimdall, who cut him off before he began. "Save it, Prince of Promiscuity. Whatever you're willing to pay to ride the bifrost, they've already offered double." 

"I'll give you triple."

"Double your triple? Keep going." 

"Hang on. 'They?'"

"Astrid and the Queen." 

"Meaning she's forbidden me to leave."

"An order I refuse to disobey. Your Mother is not one to trifle with." 

Indisputable knowledge. Instigating Frigga's wrath was like challenging Beelzebub. 

"Understood, but you're aware of Midgards dangers, where my Mother is not. She's naively dropped a lamb into a sea of hungry wolves."

"Worry not, Fenrir. She's safe."

"Piss off, Heimdall." 

The Gatekeeper smirked after Loki vanished. "At least your little lamb can keep her pants on. One more day of observing you on Midgard and my eyes would've melted."  
*****

Tony Stark returned from a day long business trip and Pepper informed him they had company. 

"Again? Why are we whispering?"

"Hi Tony." 

"Astriiid!" He gave her a big hug. "You're back. Where's Loki?"

"In Asgard. Busy." 

Pepper grinned. "Astrid had such a nice time, she wanted to revisit." 

"And bunk with us? Well why the hell not? Can I get you a drink?" 

Pepper mouthed 'no', but he ignored her and approached Astrid with a bottle of Smirnoff. "I've forgotten. Did you like ice?"

"I'll manage without." She took the bottle, leaving him the glass. 

"Pizza for dinner, then?"

"That cheesy, circle meat, bread thingy?" 

"Yep." 

"I'm in, but no baby octopussies this time. Loki said they made me fart. I'll be in the guest room, reading."

"You betchya." 

He waited until she left. "I can't decide who's more annoying. The God or Goddess of flatulence. What's her deal, anyway?" 

Pepper sucker punched his arm. 

"Owies! What did I do?" 

"Wuss. You gave a lush her second bottle of Vodka since lunch."

"You could've warned me." 

“Smartass. Remember what happened last week when she overindulged?”

"It wasn't my fault she woke us up naked looking for toothpaste." 

"No, but you were eager to help her find it." 

"I waited until she put on your Spongebob pajamas." The glass smashed as Tony blocked one blow and pinned Peppers other hand at her side. "Sweet Virginia, remember when we play 'Butch', Daddy gets to put on his helmet first?" 

"Let go." 

"Are you Pmsing?" 

"Stark." 

Tony's brows waggled. "As of now, you have three choices. Daddy and his trusty helmet, a neck raspberry, or I suit up on your grumpy ass." 

Pepper stopped being angry when his eyes crossed. "Neck raspberry? None of the above." 

"Too late. Choice made." 

She ran behind the bar and was playfully tackled to the floor. "Tony!" 

Astrid found them with him perched on Peppers ass, pinning both hands behind her back while failing at accessing her neck.

"Oh hey Astrid. Forget something?"

"Changed my mind about the ice is all." She eyed them while reaching around the bar for the full bucket. "Loki was right. You guys are weird. Call me when dinner arrives?"

"No sweat, kid." Tony pinched Peppers ass as the elevator closed. "Prepare thyself Butch, Mcweirdo pants. This will only take a minute."  
*****

Jarvis woke the couple around two am. "There's quite a disturbance coming from your guests room, Sir." 

"Huh? I was sure I didn't order those octopussies." 

"Please stop scratching and put something on first." Said Pepper.

Stark let go of his sack. "Good idea. I'll wash said hand too." 

They clearly heard Astrid cursing from the hall. "Low down, snake in the grass, ass wipe, cock of a bilgesnipe, butt fucking, boot sucking, evil spawn, whore!"

"Them's fightin' words." Said Tony. "Do you think Loki knows she recites poetry?" 

"Will you stop?" 

"Just sayin'."

If that wasn't a shocker, the state of her room was. The night tables were knocked over, their lamps broken from the force. Her suitcase was on the floor, it's contents scattered around the room, including a pink case labeled, 'The Clitty Conqueror.' The ice bucket hung upside down on a sculpture, the second bottle of vodka lay under the bed and a third she'd helped herself to, sat at her feet half empty. 

Tony put a palm to his cheek. "Well deep fry my Iron Man cadoodles, Virginia. She done gone and flamboozled all but the bed." 

Pepper turned away so as not to laugh. "She's obviously upset. What is your problem?" 

"Drama queen alert." 

Hair disheveled, mascara running down her cheeks and bawling, Astrid embraced the couple with a choking hug. "Bwaaahahaa. I wanna murder my husbaaand!" 

Stark cringed as she wiped her snot and make up on his sleeve. "Better him than us." 

"Nooo, not you Iron Cootyoodles and Vagina. You're like my Mother in law. She's a nice vagina too.”

He muttered to Pepper. “What does she call Odin? Allfather peckerhead?"

Astrid folded her arms on her head and faced them again. “And I’ve wrecked the place. I deserve spanked handcuffs and nipple chimps with no edibable sparkles!” 

Pepper whispered. "I think she meant handcuffed and spanked. The rest is a clusterfuck." 

Tony cleared his throat. “Knowing you’re remorseful is sufficient. Right Vagi..Virginia?” 

“Works for me.”

When Astrid sat on the bed and sobbed into a pillow, Pepper joined her. “What’s wrong? I thought you were happily planning another vacation with Loki.”

“I lied.” 

She proceeded to explain and Tony picked up the tablet lent to her. “May I?” 

“Go ahead. Half your realms hoes probibly musterbated to it already. Read this paragraph. A God of..sluttinesses specialty.”

Tony instantly regretted his curiosity. “That’s uhh..wow. And he thinks we’re weird?" 

When Pepper asked to see, he sat on the tablet. “Trust me, bad idea.”

“Why would he do this to me?” Astrid whined, twirling her wedding ring around her finger. A large, oval, emerald surrounded by tiny diamonds, set in gold. 

She looked so forlorn, Stark actually felt for her. “Astrid, how many nights have you and Loki been apart since your courtship began?” 

It took her a minute to recall. “Three.” 

“And has there ever been a time you didn’t know his whereabouts?” 

More tears streamed down her face. “No, but you don't understand."

"Try me." 

"Is Vagina special to you?”

“Can't recall a time when it wasn't."

Astrid poked Peppers tit. "I meant this Vagina." 

'Someone failed anatomy class.' "She's my favorite." 

"And did you share your quim wedger all…" Astrid paused, spazily waving an arm. "...Willy nilly like, so bitches wrote filth about it?"

"I used it sparingly and no. Not to my knowledge." 

"Sure you did, playboy billionaire." Pepper dryly remarked.

His foot twitched, knocking over the open vodka bottle. "Weren't we discussing Loki?" 

Astrid started crying again. "Yes and I thought I was special to him, like he is to me."

{"I don't deserve you, my lovely."}

"Now after all this research, I don’t feel like I am anymore.”

{"You'll always be. Please don't cry?"}

Tony gave her some tissue. "I think you're wrong. When Thor told us of you, he mentioned how beautiful and..charming you are, but mostly of how happy you make his pain in the ass, brother." 

Astrid's face lit up. "He said that?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die." 

She gasped. "Why Cootyoodles? You can't die."

"Nooo, I don't actually want to."

"Good. Loki be sad."

"He would?" 

She nodded. "When every human hated him, you were sometimes nice. That's why you're his favorite."

{"He's going to have a field day with this."}

"I'm his favorite human?"

"Mm hm."

{"No gloating, Cootyoodles. Darling, do stop twirling your ring? It's dizzying."}

"Astrid. Midgard has millions of talented writers with creative imaginations. Some perverted, some not. Many could've developed crushes after seeing Loki on social media and their stories pure fantasy. Maybe 'pure' isn't the right word, but don't fret over them. Think of his past lovers as…" 

{"This better be good, Stark."}

"Fornication practice runs. " 

{Loki cackled. "Interesting choice of words. Your Vagina looks impressed."}

While Pepper gave Tony the stink eye, Astrid pondered his perspective. "That explains why he's such a beast in bed." Her thoughts drifted to other pleasurable memories. "Ohhh and his magical tongue."

{"Sinful little appendage isn't it?"}

"Once he…"

Tony interrupted her. "We'll take your word for it. My point is, Loki loves 'you' now." He winked at Pepper. "You're who he wants to share forever with and nothing will ever change that."

{It's true.}

The sloshed Asgardian nearly knocked him off the bed with a clumsy hug. "Thanks Iron Cootyoodles." Then she leaned back with a strange look on her face. "I don't feel so good."

Pepper swiftly dodge her projectile, but Stark wasn't so lucky. 

"Sorry!" 

When Astrid ran to the ensuite, he slipped in her vomit and spilled vodka, landing on his ass. "That's it! Time to suit up and drop her in the Hudson. Better yet, doesn't your dad own a Woodchipper?" 

Pepper smirked. "Shower and go back to bed. I'll deal with her." Eventually she joined him, assuming he was asleep.

"I've been thinking." 

"Tell me tomorrow." 

"Next time you 'are' pmsing, I'm going to call you bitchy vagina pants." 

She whacked him hard with a pillow. "'Night."

Tony pulled a small feather from his mouth. 'Or not, but Butch is definitely a keeper.'

When Astrid fell asleep, Loki muted the connection to her ring, went to his parents chambers and demanded Frigga be woken.

"Is something wrong, darling? It's terribly late." 

"Please Mother?"

One look from those saddened, emerald orbs and she caved. "I'll inform Heimdall. On one condition."

"Name it." 

"Should the answer to my question reveal itself a lie, Astrid will learn the truth behind a certain piece of jewelry she owns."

"Oh? What's wrong with it?" 

Frigga disappointedly sighed. "Your Father, the charlatan, tried the same trick with me. As a result, he paid interest to the spank bank for nearly a decade."

"Too much information, Mother."

"A plight we unfortunately share. These orgies you partook in on Midgard, did you wrap your Jonson before plunging it asunder?"

Loki froze. "What exactly did Astrid tell you?"

"Things too indecent to repeat." 

'Stupendous. My Mother thinks me a gigolo.' "The answer is yes. Although I'm immune to their S.T.D.'s. Are you worried I may have impregnated someone?" 

"Should I be?"

"I swear Mother, I took every precaution necessary."

"Good. Less chance of Astrid filleting your bullocks. I'll dress." 

"Certainly." 'Thanks for reminding me of that possibility once sobriety kicks in.'  
*****

Tony, having misplaced his car keys, returned to his bar and discovered Loki behind it, pouring a whiskey. 

"There you are. Care to join me? Are you aware your ice bucket is missing."

Iron Cootyoodles wasn't impressed. "Haven't you heard of knocking?"

"On the elevator door? Next time I'll pause it first."

"Very funny. Are you ever going to reveal how you keep bypassing my security?" 

The God smirked. "Perhaps one day, but rest assured it's by means undisclosable. Did you miss me?"

Tony almost said about as much as he'd miss a rabid porcupine, but remembered what Astrid said. "You're tolerable in small doses. Explain undisclosable."

"Has it concerned you that much?"

"Meh, I've only spent days on my system, trying to figure it out. The most expensive security application money can buy, which I've changed the access codes for time and again, yet here you are."

"Tony…"

"Were others to breach it that easily, the material losses would mean nothing compared to Peppers safety being compromised, classified information falling into the wrong hands and how our enemies would utilize it, but hey. Prank away, God of Mischief. Have you seen a set of keys?"

Loki's smirk faded as he vanished them from the bars lower surface. "No, I haven't."

"I'll seek my spare. I'd say make yourself at home, but you always do. Pepper took Astrid shopping. Later." Stark pushed the elevator button and nothing happened. "Are you fucking with this too?"

"For good reason."

"If it means I avoid the stairs, let's have it. We are on the sixtieth floor."

"Tony, my bypasses merely are but pranks. Through the many we pulled on each other, I saw an opportunity to make a friend. Forgive my ignorance in not realizing they would frighten you." 

"Really, Loki? You never once considered that?" 

"No, because neither Pepper, or the Tower, were ever in danger. Nor do I know any of your access codes. Magic gained me entrance and subsequently locked everything back in place." 

"And the classified information?"

"I wouldn't know where to begin and haven't any desire to try."

"Oh. Maybe you're not such an asswipe after all." 

"I'm trying. In the future, I promise never to come unannounced again. Sound good?" 

"I'd appreciate that."

Loki had a sudden recollection and snickered. "No doubt, after my second last visit." 

"Change the subject Snowflake, or I'll christen my newest suit model." 

"How dashing you looked in pink fishnets, a matching thong, studded collar and leash."

"Loki…"

"Pepper looked divine as a dominatrix. Thigh high, leather, bitch boots and whip in hand. Is it your thing being punished?"

"'My' thing? If I ever walked in on the shit that turns your crank, I'd end up strapped to a gurney in a straight jacket." 

"Come now. Letting your imagination run wild because I'm me?"

"My imagination flashes 'ladies only' on a neon sign, the size of Manhattan."

"I was referencing my sorcery abilities and plentiful stamina, but no wonder you complain of headaches."

"As if that's the only reason. Do you even know why your wife is here, Loki?" 

"I do." He sat on the couch and took a long swig from the whiskey bottle. "And by now, likely despises me."

"Had I not saved your demented ass." Tony revealed everything, Loki feigned obliviousness and expressed gratitude, yet their friendly bantering continued.

"Thanks man. Especially for taking her in."

"That was Pepper's doing. I would've bunk'd her on my landing deck with a porta potty and sleeping bag."

"And I would've posted shots of you in lingerie, on social media."

"WHAT?!" You took pictures???"

"I wanted to, but Peppers murderous glare fueled my exit." 

"Fucker." Tony jested. "Be thankful I didn't set her loose." 

"Topping from the bottom were you? My perspective conveyed otherwise." 

"Says the 'guru' of perversions and fetishes."

"That would be perfect on a t shirt. Make someone millions, while exposing sexual deviants." 

"Like yourself?"

"How dareth the teapot calleth the kettle black." Said Loki. "Have you forgotten your Christmas Eve party two years ago?"

"What of it?"

"Long after everyone else retired, I opted to babysit when you stayed up drinking tequila and brandy shots."

"Ick. Worst hangover ever. What, didn't I thank you?"

"Worse. You thought I was Santa and to get off his naughty list, confessed to past sins that made Hugh Hephner appear a choir boy."

'Shit.' "Like?"

"Attending furry parties as one 'Fozzie Bear', hosting orgies in moving limousines, were well acquainted with a stripper you called Princess of Darkness, and once woke in a seniors tub in only your sneakers, then made your exit in her Betty Boop robe. Shall I continue?" 

Tony rose a palm. "Nope. The slutty teapot shall calleth the kettle blacketh no more and did not shag his best friends grandmother." 

Loki's brows rose in amusement. "Norns, man. What were you smoking?"

"I can explain. She was a snowbird who owned a cottage Mike threw random parties at. I'd passed out in her ensuite and as a joke, him another buddy burned my clothes in the fireplace, void of my wallet and keys. Being February, I might've froze to death without the thievery. Imagine the headlines. Son of Howard Stark dies a Boopsicle."

Loki laughed. "Why so eager to leave?"

"Mike had a loopy sister whose besty showed up after midnight. Loopy had a crush on me and unaware of her identity at the time, I'd fucked besties older sister...behind a movie theater."

"Impressive. Go on." 

"Mike left me a note saying, 'they know', so I tiptoed out of there at dawn."

"Did you fear this, loopy?"

"Who didn't. Picture a spoiled, ill tempered bully, known as Stalking Sasquatch, who could've played linebacker for the NFL. I only escaped her ramming my testicles out my arse because we moved two days later."

"I'm curious. How did you conclude 'I'm' demented after reading only one paragraph?"

"Because I'm an idiot who read entire stories, waiting for Pepper to come back to bed."

Loki laughed again. "How many were there?" 

"Archiveofourown has hundreds, but according to Astrid, tumblr is rampant with entire blogs dedicated to you." Stark approached the bar and downed some tequila. "Prick. That never happened to me."

"As flattering as it may seem, I wish Astrid hadn't discovered them. Pepper wouldn't approve either."

"True and probably blow torch my dick."

Loki stood as the elevator door opened.

"Are you sure it wasn't my fault that nice officer almost fell off his horse?" 

"Nah, I blame your cleavage." Said Pepper. 'Not that calling Tony Stark's girlfriend, 'Vagina,' on a crowded street corner wasn't distracting.'

"Hello, my lovely."

Astrid stilled with Loki's voice, set down her bags and blankly stared at him. 

"Right. I'll return your suitcase." 

"Where is it?" She asked.

"In the truck. I was hoping you would come home." 

Her arms crossed in defiance. "What if I'm not ready?"

"Then I'll check into a hotel."

"And do what?" 

"I don't know, Astrid. Watch tv, grow a beard, drop water balloons from the roof, play 'Bellhop rides the elevator in his underwear.' Whatever it takes for the duration it takes for you to forgive me. And as peculiar as those stories may be, do remember I knew nothing of their existence until you did. Most importantly, I'm sorry they hurt you." 

She suddenly bolted across the room, sprung into his arms, swung her legs around his waist and started kissing his whole face. "Forgiven! I missed you. Wanna get naked?"

"Not now, darling. We've an audience."

She giggled and slid to her feet. "Let's go home." Astrid hugged her hosts and quietly whispered to Pepper. "Thanks for the lesson."

Her response was a quick wink.

"Now it's your turn to visit Asgard. Bye guys!"

Tony feigned enthusiasm. "Hear that Miss Potts? Maybe area 51 will loan is a spaceship."

Loki thanked them again from the elevator. "Oh and Tony? Your car keys are in the guest room Astrid destroyed."

Starks mouth fell open as it closed. "Cancel that spaceship." 

Pepper went to sort her shopping treasures while Tony indulged in more tequila, then braved approaching the guest room, plugging his nose. 

"Little shit. Can't believe after everything we did for..." He fell silent upon opening the door. The night tables were back in place with their lamps repaired, the vomit and bottles were gone, the floor spotless, bed made and the air carried a hint of sandalwood. In its center sat the missing ice bucket and he smirked upon finding his keys inside. "You're still a little shit." 

"I hope you weren't talking to me." Pepper stood in the doorway with tousled hair, her makeup enhanced, lips slut red, wearing lingerie and black stilettos.

Tony whistled in approval and eyed the handcuffs dangling from her fingers. "Definitely not, my scrumptious Vagina. What are your plans for those?"

She cuffed her wrists behind her back and sauntered to him. "Daddy's helmet gone bye bye. Butch been a 'very' bad girl and must be punished."

No way was Daddy about to reveal the key for those cuffs went bye bye too. He'd readied them and Peppers favorite toys for an evening of fun, when their guests unexpectedly arrived. In his haste to hide everything, the key mysteriously vanished. Nat seemed kinky. Maybe she had a similar set. He hoped. 

"Happy to oblige. On the bed, face down with your ass in the air, Butch."


	2. The Unexpected Intruder

When Loki and Astrid entered their vehicle in the Towers underground, he opened portal, exiting in the woods on Staten Island and she pouted. 

"Not hiking again, Loki. Skunks are mean." 

He tisked. "Bushy tailed scoundrels. I did warn you to keep away."

"I thought it was cute. Where are we?"

"A dumping location of one golden eyed jester. No matter." He conjured a cabin and opened its door. "Still wish to get naked?" 

They fucked for hours until Astrid lay spent, resembling a deflating blow up doll. 

"Dress now my lovely? I'll gather your belongings from the truck."

With her brain afloat in subspace, she hazily replied. "Yes Master."   
*****

They entered Asgard and Heimdall arched a brow at her bedraggled appearance. "Welcome back, my lady." 

"Midgardians make edible panties." 

Loki scooped her into his arms. "Nothing a good slumber can't fix. Ta ta, jester." He chuckled upon pulling a key from his pocket when undressing. "I dare to ponder your predicament before realizing this missing, Cootyoodles."  
*****

Weeks passed while down on Midgard, several burglaries had occurred in rich homes around New Jersey. Only cash was ever stolen, yet the thieves exceptional skill at avoiding detection was a growing concern. 

Pepper and Tony sat watching the news.

~ "Another burglary in Jersey last night left police no closer to identifying a suspect. More at eleven." ~ 

"Didn't the thiefasaurous make a peanut butter and banana sandwich at the last house,? I'd love to know how they're hacking the security cameras. Clever bastard."

"Could be a woman, but definitely a pro." 

"There's an erotic vision. You dressed as a bandit, searching a homeowner's porn reserve while snickering at their amatuer bondage supplies."

"Why risk imprisonment? Were the porn in your 'Butch's Bitch' file dvd's, they'd line a path from here to Miami."

"Ooooh, does that mean we're on the same page?"

"Mmm..no. You're horny and I'm craving nachos. Please unravel yourself from my thigh?"

Stark playfully gnawed on it. "And if I don't? What then, Mistress?" He obeyed when the lights flickered and Jarvis announced a security breach. "Speaking of bandits, ours is an Alien God breaking a promise."

"Jarvis never detected him before." 

"Likely an impish forewarning attempt. I'd bet a thousand he's hoping I'm shackled to the coffee table, sucking a rubber cock for his own amusement."

'Note to self.' Thought Pepper. 'Add to 'to do' list.' "What makes you think him so savage?"

"Loki's a sexual deviant." 

"Oh?"

'Blabbermouth. Now she's intrigued.' "Everything back to normal, Jarvis?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Told ya and I know just where to find the prick." Tony stepped onto the sixtieth floor to find it minimally illuminated by the moon. "Nice touch, Snowflake. A prelude to another smug entrance? Consider it your last." When met with silence, he angrily strolled to the rooms center. "Show yourself! NOW!" 

More silence, except for the hum of the approaching elevator. 

"Huh. Never pegged you for a coward." Tony didn't intend to fight Loki. Merely to end their friendship, while emphasizing the seriousness of his boundaries being overstepped. 

The intruder judged otherwise.

The door slid open and from behind the bar, came a sphere of light travelling at warp speed, making a whooshing sound as it encompassed his suit pieces, halting their pursuit, then dropping them to the floor in a clanging heap. 

Stark sat crouched on his knees, enthralled by a figure slowly emerging from the shadows. 

"I am not a coward Iron M..Man."

He lurched forward and the swaying soul fell limp in his arms as the rooms lights flickered on. "What the hell?" Moments later, he rushed off the elevator to a shocked Pepper. "Meet our intruder." 

"A child???" 

"Surprise?"

She offered a warm cloth as he timed the wee souls pulse. "Heart rates good."

"Who…"

"Didn't get a name." Clad in males clothing a size too big and a snug fitting Captain America cap, the child was filthy. Upon removing it, a mass of knotted, raven hair fell over his arm.

"He's a she?" 

"Apparently." Desperate to rouse her, Tony kept talking, while wiping her face. "Can you hear me, kid? Come on, wake up." His actions revealed flawless, alabaster skin, high cheekbones, a perfect nose and overly pink lips. Her fingers were long and slender, as were her limbs and the more he looked at her, everything began to click. "If her eyes are green, someone has some 'splaining to do, Lucy." 

The girl stirred, scrambled from his lap, bolted across the room and halted in a battle stance, fists raised, brows furrowed and her piercing green eyes, wildly darting between him and Pepper.

He slowly rose, arms in the surrender position. "Easy, Little Warrior. We won't hurt you."

"Where's my hat?" She sternly demanded. 

Tony slid it across the floor and she planted it sideways on her head, sloppily tucked her hair inside and returned to battle stance. "Liar! I came to you for help and was almost attacked!"

"My goof, kid. Ya scared me. What's your name?"

"Brianna. It means strong, virtuous and honorable."

"Perfect for a female warrior. A brave one too." 

Pepper cut in. "Hi Brianna, I'm..."

"Virginia Potts, born September 27nth, 1972 in Arlington, Virginia, CEO of Stark Industries and one badass role model. Nice to meet you."

She smiled. "Ditto. Are you injured at all?"

The girls fists lowered. "No, just hungry and exhausted." 

"Unacceptable." Said Tony. "What can we get ya?" 

"A peanut butter and banana sandwich?" They threw it together and she wolfed it down with a glass of milk. "Have any tater tots?" 

"Sure do. Brianna, is there anyone we should call?" 

Her scowl returned and an unseen force, swiftly elevated their phones, suspending them inches below the twenty foot ceiling. "Mom's awal, and Daddy's unknown. Alert anyone of my whereabouts and after escaping their captivity, I'll return 'undetected' to enact revenge." 

"O-kaaay. Any ideas on the spunk doner, Virginia?" 

"Really, Tony?"

"Just sayin'. We promise not to alert anyone without your permission kid, if first, I get a promise or two in return." 

"You dare making commands knowing what I'm capable of?" 

"Hear me out, Little Warrior. Please?" 

She chomped into a tater tot. "I'm listening." 

"I've some questions." 

"You can ask, but don't expect answers for every one. What else?"

"You stay a while. At least until finding a Tower to call your own."

"No way, Jose. I'm the restless type." 

"A month then?" 

Stark played the puppy eyes card as Brianna sized him up like a scheming Clint Eastwood might a brazen saloon patron.

"A week and we take it from there."

"Deal." 

Once their phones safely landed, she asked to use the bathroom. Pepper lead her to a guest room and was stopped at the door. "Thanks. A little privacy, please?"

After it closed, Tony snuck into the hall and quietly relayed of first encountering the girl. "It's irrefutable. That's Loki's mini me in there."

"Her powers are undeniably similar, but without a paternity test..."

"And how do we achieve that? Shimmy up the bifrost and demand Prince Jezebel see a phlebotomist? Fuck, if they're not related, where 'did' she come from? Maybe we're being invaded by the real Body Snatchers." 

"Who've begun with a child in a Captain America hat, they specifically sent here?"

"Have any better conclusions? I suspect she's the burglar too." 

"Why, because they like the same sandwich?"

"Think, Butch. If she can break in here, houses are a piece of cake."

"Think, Cootyoodles. Even with powers to hack security systems, how does a child that young burglarize nine houses without being seen, heard or leaving behind any dna?" 

"Never underestimate your opponent." As Tony rambled on about examples, she seemed distant. "Butch?"

"I just realized something. Brianna said her Mom was awal. We're avid news watchers and there hasn't been a local Amber Alert for months. What if she isn't looking for her? What if no one is?"

"Perhaps we're both getting carried away and Brianna's…a special breed of Leprechaun that eats feet. We sleep in my suit boots and problem solved." 

Pepper smirked. "What exactly happened to you in space? Stay here while I check on her?" Soon she called to him in a whisper. "Come look at your opponent." 

Stark's real heart melted when seeing Brianna asleep in the large tub. A bath towel covered her little body and another lay folded beneath her head. "Poor kid. I'll move her to the bed."

"No don't, Tony. I think she crawled in there to feel safe."  
***** 

In the morning, they found an open box of Count Chocula cereal beside a dirty bowl in the kitchen. 

"I hadn't opened that yet."

Pepper yawned. "And?"

"It's half empty."

"Awesome. If she's anything like you jacked up on sugar, please hide it?"

He popped a handful into his mouth. "I thought you liked my inner child?" 

"Not when he's Dash from the Incredibles. What's that noise?" 

"I'll go look." Stark opened Brianna's door to a six inch knife whizzing towards it. "Morn..WHOA!" He closed it within an inch as she aimed another. "DROP the weapon, Little Warrior!"

She casually tossed it onto the bed. "'Sup?"

"'Sup?!? Those aren't toys, young lady! You could've removed half my face!" 

"Nah, my aims too polished. See for yourself." 

Pepper arrived to find him gawking at the wall. "Hi Brianna. Tony?"

"Iron Man's upset 'cause I short circuited his Arc Reactor."

"Kinda. Feast your eyes on why, Virginia."

A wooden cutting board hung centimeters from the door frame, impaled by eight knives and Brianna sighed. "I'd almost made a perfect x, until interrupted." 

"Hey, I knocked..once." 

"But didn't wait for permission to enter."

"Let's not argue, hm? Coffee's done, Tony. Would you like a bath, Brianna?"

"With bubbles?"

"Raspberry Sorbet, scented." 

Butch later regretted leaving behind the bottle as Little Warrior had a blast, pouncing into the mountainous sea of bubbles the Jacuzzi's jets summoned and soaking the floor. After loaning her a small t shirt and a pair of leggings she secured around her waist, she watched in amazement as like with their phones, an unseen force carefully lowered the cutting board into the girls awaiting arms.

"Ready, Badass." 

"Call me Pepper, please?" 

"Sure."

Once in the kitchen, Tony learned of her trick. "Just another checkmark on the growing listy poo of spunky d' evidence, Virginia. Thanks kid, I'll take that." The board seemed super glued to the island as he tried apprehending it. "Make that two checkmarks."

The silverware drawer opened, nudging his butt, as Brianna climbed onto a stool with a mischievous smirk and hovered a fist over the knives. "Scooch your booty, or be turned into swiss cheese." Her hand opened, releasing a pea sized light that burst into a mist with the snap of her fingers. As she slid back, it encompassed only the board, individually plucked each knife from its surface, neatly steered them into the drawer and vanished after it closed. 

Tony's mind was projecting a vision of Loki on a cheesy, 70's era game show, its animated host announcing; "Our grand prize winner, ladies and gentlemen! The willy nilly, cock weilding, Prince Jezebelll!"

Brianna's voice silenced the fanfare. "I promise not to play with knives anymore." 

"Erm..that's great. About those questions, kid."

"Shoot."

"Why the target practice?"

"Saw it on tv once. It kills boredom."

'And a charging rhinoceros, no doubt.' "These balls of light…"

"I call them my magic and maneuvered this one slower, to give you an idea of how they work. Neat, huh?" 

"Very and the one used on my suit?" 

"Nothing special." 

"How do you create them and the unseen force?" 

"Classified."

"Have you greater abilities?"

"Enough to make David Copperfield seem a quack."

"How did you break into my tower?"

"Top Secret." 

"How did you get here?"

"Walking, buses, taxis, trains and one bicycle."

"By yourself?"

"Mostly." 

"How long was your trip?"

"Nine days."

"How did you afford it?" 

"My allowance." 

"Why the boys clothing?" 

"You already know." 

"Where are you from?" 

"Are you done insulting me?"

He froze. "Excuse me?"

"Nearly every question, except number 5, were tests to see if I'd slip up and surpass revealing the basics. Magic aside, you're trying to assess my intelligence, so here's some insight. Every response minus 'target practice', was either a lie, or half truth. Why? I am never going home and therefore will never reveal more about myself than I decide necessary. If that's unacceptable, tell me now, I'll thank you for the hospitality and be on my way. Oh, and the ball used on your suit? It was bigger, faster, and more powerful out of necessity."

The only person Tony felt might know more about Brianna was Thor, but couldn't risk breaking his promise. She was brilliant, yet seemingly naive to the constant danger she was in. Iron Man would protect her, whilst awaiting further guidance from wherever the cosmos were plotting to chuck it. The heavens, perhaps? The tooth fairy? Captain Kangaroo? 

"We'd much prefer you stayed." Said Pepper. "Please don't be angry with Tony? It's difficult not to think of how frantic we'd be if our child went missing."

Brianna's face softened for merely a second, before she re poised herself. "You would?..Look, I'm a survivor, so don't bother worrying about me. May I make my request now?"

"Please do, Little Warrior."

"Your fellow Avenger, Thor. Do you trust him?"

'All this for the God of Thunder?' Thought Stark. "With my life. Is he your favorite and you'd like an autograph, or a picture together?" 

"Don't have a favorite Avenger. Just need you introduce us."

'Wut?' "I could, but that means alerting him you're here."

"If you trust him, I trust him."

"I'm grateful for your faith in me. He'll ask why?"

"I need him to set up a second meeting with is brother, Loki."

And there was Tony's guidance. A beam of light, trailing from the realm of Asgard, down through Earth's clouds and settling on P.J.'s prodigy, igniting her aglow. 

"Eh he. Why not? Nothin' like those warm and fuzzy feelings amongst kin, right Virginia? Pardon me ladies. Cootyoodles has a call to make and a suit to tweak."

Brianna giggled. "Who gave Iron Man that name?"

"A friend, but he prefers Tony. Feel like watching a movie with a badass role model?"

"Okay, but none of that fairy tail, princessy stuff. Ever see Bram Stoker's Dracula?"

"Isn't that violent for someone your age?"

"Nope and guuurl, what a love story. The blood and guts are awesome too."


	3. Little Doppleganger

Thor was bodybuilding to a song by Right Said Fred, when his phone rang. ...'I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy, it hurts…' "Hello?"

Tony held the phone from his ear and yelled. "DO YOU…" The music suddenly stopped. "...ever look at your call display?"

"Sorry, flying human. Was working my gluteus maximus."

"To the detriment of my earius drumius."

"Oops. How's life?" 

"Riveting in the last twenty four hours. You alone?"

"Jane's in Vegas with Darcy."

"Perfect. Think you can you put aside selfies with groping seniors and visit me ASAP?"

"The cougars are more troublesome. Their claws resemble a bilgesnipes. Bloody frightening." 

"Buy Hulk bandages. Well?" 

"Sounds serious."

"It is. I've a friend that wishes to meet you and it's mandatory you oblige."

"Who?"

"Can't say until you agree to abide by our terms of said meeting."

"Tony, are you in cohorts with an enemy?"

"Thor, are you on crack?"

"Don't know what that is."

"The universe is grateful. Please listen. You cannot hitch a ride with Mjolnir, or come by plane. You must drive here and take every precaution to avoid being recognized or followed. Most importantly, keep it secret."

Thor gave his word and was blown away by what he learned. "Spoil her rotten if need be, I'll foot the bill. Do 'not' let her leave." 

"I'm a billionaire ya silly arse, remember? Start packing." 

After gathering his suit pieces from the sixtieth floor, Stark went to tell Brianna, but she'd fallen asleep following a bathroom break, halfway through the movie. When Pepper went in there to clean, it looked like a photo from Architectural Digest. 

Upon waking, Little Warrior was thrilled to hear the news. "Thanks, Iron Man. Where's Pepper?"

"Out buying you clothes."

"Yaaay!"  
*****

Thor arrived two days later and instantly fell in love with the girl. She showed him similar acts of magic Tony saw, but still wouldn't reveal anything more about herself. Her abilities and resemblance to Loki were so uncanny, he was ninety percent convinced she was his. 

"Your quite talented, Brianna. Why is it you wish to meet my brother?" 

"Based on in-depth research, I believe he's a sorcerer, yes?"

"He is."

"Good. I was hoping to ask him some questions about my abilities. Do you think he'll come?”

"I'm sure of it. Will you please stay with Tony and Pepper until we return?"

“I’ll be here.”

Tony rode the elevator down with him. 

"How did she know Loki is a sorcerer?" 

"I'm questioning the same. Only Fury, his bosses and the other Avengers know. None of us would spill the beans. I suspect Brianna's abilities are more extensive than she's letting on. How will you convince Prince Jezebel?"

"Who?" 

Tony deadpanned. "Loki?"

"Threaten to tell Astrid." 

"If it comes to that, have mercy and offer the guy some earplugs. Her drama queening is like fingernails down a blackboard." 

"My sister in law's wrath will be a walk in the park compared to our Mother's. She's my backup plan." 

Stark recalled Ellen Ripley's experience with an angry, Alien queen then pictured a seidre in its hand. "Have a nice trip, big guy."  
*****  
On the morning Thor returned to Asgard, Astrid woke early to find Loki pensively staring out their bedroom window. "What's wrong?" 

"There's no easy way to say this, my lovely. You continuously speak of longing to start a family, but this sneaking off realm without a word..it's left me hesitant to believe you're ready."

"Why?"

"Your temper flares and you often act without thinking. I keep questioning had we children…" 

"They would've stayed with your Mother." She angrily started searching for attire. "But no problem. I'll stay on the pill."

"Is this reaction not a perfect example?" 

"Maybe I'm insulted you think me so dumb!" 

She slammed the bathroom door, started the shower and he walked out. "Nice talk, Astrid. Love you too." 

Following a meeting with Odin, Loki saw Thor hastily approaching within the corridor. "Brother!" He called in a disingenuous pronounced tone. "How art thou?" 

Loki was dragged by the collar into a side room and assertively shoved him off. "I've repeatedly warned your bullying days are over. Do that again and find yourself in another dimension. Painstricken." 

Thor locked the door. "I'm disappointed in you."

"I've an extensive list of mutual sentiment. Make an appointment and we'll talk."

"We'll talk now. Stark and I believe you've fathered a child on Midgard." 

Loki proceeded to laugh. "Impossible...ludicrous. There isn't a female there nor here I haven't used a termination spell on." 

"While they slept?"

"Precisely."

"What about the time you woke naked in a dumpster in California? With no recollection of how you arrived there after leaving a club with three women? Which one did you fuck?"

"None. The last thing I remember were two pleasuring each other on a bed while the third was on her knees pleasing me, when everything faded into blackness. Crazy bitches drugged me. I never saw the route travelled, the house number, nothing, but the inside of a bedroom and then the dumpster when a pigeon rammed its beak into my nostrils."

"You aren't making sense." 

"I let them blind fold me in the car."

Thor choked back a laugh. "Midgardian females tricked the trickster?" 

"Do I look amused? That was the last time I drank from a bottle I didn't personally open."

"Just listen?" ~ A half hour passed. ~ "I understand your lingering skepticism. At least come help the child. If you don't, Tony fears she may leave without him knowing." 

"Fine, but what exactly am I to tell Astrid?" 

Loki returned to his chambers to find a note on their bed; 'Gone to my parents for a week to cool off seeing as though you think I'm always angry.' He tossed it in the trash and left one for her; 'My turn to disappear. Janes on vacation so I've returned to Midgard to bond with big brother. Do say hello to your parents, my lovely. Kisses.' 

"Satisfied, Thor? Now how do we keep Heimdall from tattling?"

"By leaving immediately. His new trainee is on duty."

"Maxome? That nincompoop will send us into orbit." 

"Don't let appearances fool you. He looks like a troll, but knows his job. And Maxi Waxi takes bribes."

Loki's eyes narrowed. "Who are you? Impersonating a Prince of Asgard is punishable by death."  
*****

The bifrost vanished and Thor's phone immediately rang. "Slow down, Tony. We can take portal taxi to…" The call suddenly ended. "...the Towers underground." 

Stark exited the elevator in hyperdrive. "Holy shit, am I glad to see you guys!" He poked Loki's arm. "E..specially..you, fornication fabler. Whatever big guy here told ya? I've an update. Not only is my guest up there adorable and a bonafide genius, but definitely of a life form I've yet to encounter."

"Have you been eating Count Chocula again?"

"No, but I know what you're thinking and get in line. Pepper already threatened to duct tape me to a wall." 

"Relax, flying human."

"I'm relaxed every second I'm around that kid. Can't a guy unwind a little? This is me unwinding, okay? Stop talking because I'm talking." 

Both Gods locked their lips with imaginary keys. 

"The day after you left, Thor, I suggested Brianna and I bake cookies with M&M's, but asked she not tell Pepper as I get in trouble for sugar highs. Then I jokingly asked if she'd ever hidden cookies in her pockets and she said yes. 'Interdimensional pockets'."

Loki cocked a brow.

"Pshh, yeah, hello? The next day, she demanded to know where the clothes she'd arrived in were. Pepper had put them in the wash and Brianna raced to the laundry room, swung opened our front loader with magic, gathered them into a ball and screamed at us while her skin turned blue and eyes Ruby red. 'DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF! DON'T 'EVER' TOUCH MY STUFF!' I just about fucking shit myself!"

The God sighed. "You 'have' encountered that life form." 

"Notta, buddy boy. I would've remembered."

"Are you wearing a diaper?"

"Huh?"

"Maybe you should be." Said Thor. 

Loki stepped away and partially revealed himself. His skin turned blue, but remained human in texture and eyes reddened like Brianna's.

Stark backed into a pillar. "What the hell are you?"

"Remember I said he was adopted and later educated you on the nine realms?" 

"Uh hu."

Loki returned to Aesir form. "I'm a Frost Giant from Jotunheim."

"Ha! I'm not a loon, after all!"

"No one thought you were."

"I knew Brianna was yours and Pepper wouldn't believe me! Wait, isn't that realm mostly ice? Can you conjure it out of nowhere?"

"Yes to both questions, but it's exhausting without the Casket of Ancient Winters. Why?"

"Whatever that is. Little Warrior can too." 

"What did you just say?" 

"After yelling at us she ran into her ensuite and we followed to find ice crystals forming around the edges of the closed door. It wouldn't budge and with our calls going unanswered for a good ten minutes, I panicked, took an axe to it and hacked into a thick inch layer of ice on the other side. Brianna was out cold in the tub, slept through the hacking to reach her, then for another seventeen hours. We were frantic." 

"Take me to her, now." He commanded. 

"Why the sudden urgency?" Asked Thor. 

Loki had a foresight he opted not to share. "Shouldn't we both be eager to meet a child so skillful without the casket?"

The trio entered the elevator.

"You better not be thinking of turning Heimdall into an icicle again."

Loki bypassed him and eyed Tony. "Eh he he he."

"Screw you, Snowflake. These are jeans and a shirt. Not a silk, pink robe and yes I'm wearing underwear."

Thor smirked. "Ah, the Boopsicle story."

"That's nice. I'll bet he told you the pink fishnets story too."

Loki pursed his lips and Thor stopped smirking. "No. No he didn't."

Stark tried a witty save. "Pepper looked great in them. Sucks to be you for missing it."

"You let my brother see your lady in fishnets? I'd never let another guy see Jane in lingerie."

Thor was being so daft, Loki laughed harder and Tony frowned at him. "Asshole."

They exited and as Virginia approached with Brianna, amusement never left Loki so quickly. Thor had said she was young, but this child craning her head to look up at him barely reached the height of his hip. From everything learned of her, he'd imagined one sturdier, yet she resembled a miniature ballerina. So delicate and beautiful, how was she the daughter of a Frost Giant? Yet the evidence couldn't be denied. He was staring into a mirrored image of himself in female form. Her body structure, ivory skin and elegant features. The striking eyes, thick lashes and hair so black, hints of blue danced upon it like the feathers of a Ravens in daylight. 

'"Hello. I'm Loki."

She offered a tiny hand to shake which vanished amidst his as her voice invoked a strange sense of familiarity. "Hi. I'm Brianna." 

'Og Min Lille.' He quietly whispered. Then as overwhelming guilt struck from not knowing of her existence, she made him chuckle. 

"Mythology states you're the God of Mischief, right?"

"Correct."

Her smile was enchantingly impish. A perfect replica of his own. "Then I believe we'll get along splendidly." She addressed the others. "Kindly excuse us. I wish to speak with Loki alone. Right this way." Brianna closed her bedroom door gesturing to a chair, then sent a blast of light from her hand towards the ceiling. 

He watched it spread in a clear ripple down every wall and politely asked. "What did you do?" 

"Created a special sound shield. We'll hear them, but they can't hear us. Unless I allow it." That and bypassing Jarvis, was how she'd snuck back to the sixtieth floor the previous night to retrieve a backpack hidden there. 

Loki concealed astonishment as he hadn't mastered that trick until his early teens. "Very impressive." 

"Thanks and for coming." 

"A worthy venture to meet a fellow magician." 

Brianna sat on the bed and gave him the strangest look. A combination of curiosity, bewilderment and resentment were he to guess. "I did tell Thor my questions regarded sorcery, but those can wait. First, tell me everything about your ancestry."

She couldn't have asked an odder question based on his secret foresight. "Why do you wish to know?"

"Because you're the only person who can explain exactly what I am, 'Dad'. Now start talking or Jarvis bites it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Og Min Lille ~ My Little One in Norwegian


	4. Evil Bitches

That afternoon and throughout the evening, Brianna stayed in her room with Loki. He appeared once to make her a sandwich, assured everyone she was fine and returned to her without another word. At around midnight, he sauntered into the living room looking exasperated. 

"She's sleeping. In the bed this time."

"Why hadn't she before?" Asked Pepper.

His fists clenched. "A fear of rats obtained on the streets. Which I assume happened during her traveling to meet me." 

"You can't blame yourself for that." 

Loki went to the kitchen, retrieved some expensive Scotch from a cupboard above the fridge and started chugging it. "Yes I can, Virginia. She knew I was her Father before coming." 

"What?" Everyone joined him around the island. "How?"

"Her Mother kept a diary." He held up the Scotch. "And us magically inclined are astute at finding hidden treasure."

"Must be hereditary." Kidded Stark. "Little Warrior's a master tater tot thief." 

"Fuck. She thought I'd abandoned her." 

"Harsh, bro. Even I know you're incapable of that."

"Still impersonating a Prince, are you?"

"I'm serious." Said Thor. "Obviously you forgot that termination spell on someone. If it wasn't a woman from the dumpster night, then who?"

"It was."

"Huh? You had sex with a woman in a dumpster?" Asked Stark. 

"He woke in one naked after tossed into it by three." 

"You had sex with 'three' women in a dumpster?"

"No, I was drugged first. Hence the waking?"

"And razzed me about doing the same in a seniors tub?" 

Pepper frowned. "You had sex with a senior in her tub? What the hell, Tony?"

Loki rubbed his brow. 'I'm surrounded by fucking lunatics.'

"Virginia, no! Remember my best friend Mike? His grandmother…"

"Which one was it?" Thor quietly asked.

"The sword swallowing wench."

"You sure?" 

"Brianna described her perfectly and showed me a matching, heart shaped birthmark beneath her collarbone."

Tony continued… "Now Loopy, also known as Sasquatch..."

"I thought you couldn't remember anything after..."

Loki's patience ran out and he banged the bottle down. "I DON'T REMEMBER! Which means she rode me until the fireworks went off because apparently my dick stays erect while I'm unconscious! How the bloody hell I'll convince Astrid of this saga is beyond me!"

"Aren't you more worried of convincing Mother?" 

"I don't talk to Mother about my dick Thor and hope you don't either."

"Uh, guys? Lady present. Change the subject, please?"

"With pleasure. Brianna's been alone for almost three months. Fending for herself on a realm where her own kind are willing to sell her off to the highest bidder. That's why her Mother, whose name I will not repeat, Claudia and Hannah, all took turns that night to see who'd strike gold. They were hoping she would inherit some of my powers.Thank the fucking norns two failed!"

"Oh my god." Pepper solemnly whispered.

"Stop shouting. You'll wake her."

Loki pensively stared at Thor. "I've silenced her room. Ironic how every realm thinks Frost Giants monsters. Call it a sixth sense, but I recently felt compelled to learn the Jotun language and began studying their history. For millenniums, they thrived in a predominantly wealthy, civilized and disciplined, family oriented culture. Just like Asgardians. Laufey's greed for power changed all that."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Brianna knows."

The older God responded curtly. "You told her she's a Frost Giant?"

The second Stark had revealed her ice capade, Loki knew she was his and conjured a back up plan to protect her. Testing Thor was part of it. If he couldn't accept her, Odin definitely wouldn't. Especially once learning of her true identity. 'Thanks for your honesty, brother. Now to put that plan into action.' "Brianna is six years old. She's lived in constant fear of those who should have loved her and of herself, because she didn't understand her powers, or where they stemmed from. I will not betray her by lying about her heritage, nor permit she lives ashamed of it. Certainly you understand?" He then addressed Tony. "Excuse me. I need some air." 

Stark got the hint and knew where he'd be. "Who's Laufey?" He asked uncle oaf. 

"Jotunheim's last King." 

"What happened to him?"

"He was murdered."

"Nice." He quickly winked at Pepper. "Stay here and mind Little Warrior? I think Snowflake could use a friend." He joined Loki outside, sitting against the glass on his landing deck. "You okay?"

"Besides overly tempted to murder three sluts? Of course."

"Please don't?"

"Only for my Daughter's sake." 

"What else was in the diary?" 

"Brianna and I spoke about many things. Some I'll tell you, some I won't."

"Why?" 

"We agreed it best. You've done everything to protect her and we want to return the favor."

"I can protect myself."

"Not from yourself, should I reveal too much.

"Spoiled sports."

"I thank you again for watching over one of my own and for keeping your promise to Brianna. She praised you both a lot. Calls you uncle Cootyoodles."

Stark proudly grinned. “She's an amazing kid, but I'm happy you came. If not, Pepper and I planned to ask Thor to take her."

"To Asgard?" 

"Where else? We can't protect her from the bad guys. She'd either become a lab rat or be used as a weapon, here. Her Mother is a perfect example of such intentions. Evil bitch."

"Indeed, yet not the mastermind. Hannah was. Brianna was secretly born in the same house she was conceived in and never registered as a citizen. Most recently, they were living in a house in the countryside in State. One a carpenter and the other an electrician, they'd constructed her a hidden, sound proof, room in the basement and that was her existence. Always fed and clothed, but comforted only by her Mother, who snuck her out from time to time. Yet never outside the house and at every opportunity, taught her how to use the computer. They'd resided in two other States the same way. Forever keeping Brianna hidden from society, waiting for a sign she had powers. She cleverly hid them and eventually braved sneaking out alone when they weren't around. Always careful to conceal her tracks while learning all she could of your world through the internet. Until one day, she was mistaken when Hannah sauntered out of bed late and became enraged by her presence. They reinforced her rooms security and although Brianna knew it bypassable, she was terrified to try after the arguing started. It continued for days, often vicious sounding, but she couldn't decipher the words. The worst of it ended with a distant scream on the grounds and panicked footsteps amidst the house. That night, Hannah went to her with a look of insanity, tossing bags of nonperishable food into her room and threatening her harm if she ever came out without permission again. When Brianna heard nothing for days, she bravely disobeyed and carefully scoured every room for money. That's how she encountered the diary and learned about me. Research lead her to you and she mapped out a plan."

"I knew she was brave, but that's extraordinary." Said Tony. "How did she escape?" 

"Easily. They never returned."

"They just..vanished?" 

"Apparently. When food ran low, Brianna rode her bike to a neighbors, hid herself in the back of his pick up truck and hitched a ride into the nearest city."

"Shit. Does she know what they did?"

"No explicit details were written, but imagine a six year old seeking the word sex on dictionary.com to learn how she was created. The plot began when Hannah saw me leaving their local grocery store and followed me to my hotel. From there, I was stalked until they discovered my favorite hangout." 

Stark imagined suiting up on the bitches. "Now I'm tempted to murder three sluts. Poor Little Warrior. What a shitty life she lead. Can I ask where she came from?"

"No, but it took her three weeks to reach you with the help of homeless people."

"What?"

"Two in particular who by the grace of Valhalla, were kind enough to protect her along the way. Neither knew where she was headed and kept her presence secret. All in exchange for food, clothes and periodic shelter. One a teen she sent home to her family, the other an older woman, who claimed to have none. Brianna bid her goodbye near the Lincoln bridge and from there, traveled alone for two days."

"Holy fuck. I still can't believe she made it here alive."

"The child's a genius." 'Who already knows how to make herself invisible.' Thought Loki. He silently recalled the day he'd scared the shit out of some maids with half his face, upper torso and one leg invisible. He was on his way to Frigga after failing to rectify the problem. 'Norns. Only a task that took me until adulthood to master.'

"True, but I gotta know. How did she get into my Tower?"

The God merely arched his brows. 

"Nevermind. Like Father, like Daughter. What now?"

"We leave for Asgard tomorrow afternoon. Brianna can't wait. Presuming having new parents 'and' living on a new realm might've induced her reluctance, I've convinced her it's a months visit."

"She's never coming back?"

"As an adult maybe. Beforehand could be risky. Please play along?"

"I will, but she'll hate me for it."

"She'll think you didn't know. I'll take the heat." 

"What about Thor?"

"He can't know until morning. Then he won't run ahead and announce it, grandstanding in the name of preparing everyone."

"He'd do that?"

"He might. Brianna is my daughter. My responsibility. I'll not have my wife learning of her through him."

"Don't blame ya."

"There's something else he can't know. I shielded us from Heimdalls sight's the moment we landed to keep anyone from tracing Brianna back to you and Pepper. You're my friends and if they decide to look for her, I won't have your lives torn apart again because of me."

Tony was so humbled and astonished by everything, he never thought to ask why Thor couldn't know this information, or how these women knew Loki's powers were so extensive. "Thanks, man."

"I'll do all the headhunting on my next trip back. For now, the sluts can stew not knowing where Brianna is." 

"Serves them right. Too bad we won't witness their panic."

Loki inwardly snickered. 'I might.'

"Why did Brianna sleep so long after making all that ice?"

"Extensive use by one so new to their powers is exhausting. I've seen it before."

"There are more like you on Asgard?" 

"Only a handful of us are Gods. Yet many posses lesser powers they are schooled to perfect. As adults, they are encouraged to join our military."

"And if they don't?"

"It is not enforced, Tony. They are allowed to exist freely."

"Oh. Why was she so angry we touched her stuff?" 

"She wants to tell you tomorrow."

"Okay. You mentioned a Claudia and Hannah. What was her Mother's name?"

"Brianna's about to disappear and you're still snooping, knowing jail time could loom in the future?"

"Can't an earthling be curious? Liiike..of how extensive Brianna's powers are?"

"Classified."

Stark rolled his eyes. "Should I just not bother asking anything else?" 

"I can stargaze while tuning you out."

"Fine. Wanna know some fun facts about your Daughter?"

"Sure." 

"She grows on ya real quick." 

"I know." 

"Loves vampires and zombies. Plays a mean game of Mario Kart, is a mathematical, geographical and weird animal whiz. Knows what an Emperor Tamarin is. They look like a Teddy bear, raccoon, monkey combination, with a wild west moustache. Gets a kick out of quizzing Jarvis and laughs her ass off when he fucks up."

Loki smirked. 

"Loves motown music…"

"'Motown?'"

"Come on, really?" Tony motioned movements of the Supremes. "Stop! In the name of love, before you break my heart… No? How about this one?" He imitated Stevie Wonder, grooving at his piano. "...Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours!"

"You aren't my type." Teased Loki. "Nor am I familiar with that genre of music."

"Your loss, our gain. She also loves having stories read to her at bedtime and dancing. Tried teaching me how to moonwalk and I failed. Epically."

"Did she laugh her ass off at that too?"

"Yep. We'll miss her. A lot."

"I'll never let her forget you, Tony."

They started for the elevator. 

"I hope not and that whole date rape thing? Be the victim male or female, the culprits deserve major jail time."

Familiar with Starks habit of finding amusement in the worst of circumstances, Loki sensed a punchline. "And?"

"Alter that part to your benefit in the future. Like you slipped and hit your head. A guys dick staying hard while he's unconscious? Great story to tell your grandson's around the campfire one day."

"Eh he he he. Maybe I will." 

Loki settled into bed and conjured an ancient, Jotun text. He opened it to a marked page and silently re-read a prophecy he'd recently discovered. One written by a beloved seer of his ancestors;

'Gifted by the Norns, a child will be born on a foreign realm to a veiled, Jotun King and Mother of ignoble blood. A sorcerer by birth, he is destined to protect, guide and teach his sorceress daughter to cultivate and master her powers. For she will make history as a savior to the nine realms. Destined to unite them in battles against evil. A Queen who shall reign above kings. Jotunheim's Goddess of Ice.' 

It vanished, replaced by Asgardian writing paper and a fancy pen as he thought of his wife. Her antics often drove people to drink, including himself, yet they loved each other madly. It was her bright blue eyes, perpetually cheery personality and spontaneity that first attracted him. A welcome change from the drudgery of structured royal life, but ultimately her sincere heart. She adored him, flaws included. And shite did she give good head. The only lover out of hundreds to pop his cork on the first try. Now, after their last conversation it saddened him to write this. 

'Dear Astrid; Forgive me as I have a shocking confession to make. Foremost, I have no relationship of any kind with the woman involved and knew nothing of this until it was brought to my attention. It seems my carnal activities on Midgard have induced more than smutty fanfiction. I have a daughter, my lovely. A little girl who stole my heart with her smile. As you did. I would not recover from losing you, but owe her a chance. To breathe her realms air. Count its stars. Feel the sun and rain on her face. For myself to be the adult so she can be the child. I need time to earn her trust and hope we bond. I know it's a lot to ask, but wait for me? Give 'us' a fighting chance? Consider it at least?

Your adoring husband, Loki.' 

He sealed it in an envelope and affectionately whispered to Brianna. "Our adventure begins, Og Min Lille."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Og Min Lille ~ My Little One in Norwegian


	5. The Trickster Strikes Again

Thor agreed Brianna going to Asgard a good idea as Loki presumed and shielded her from Heimdall's sight as a precautionary measure. Before leaving, the brother's sat observing Little Warrior lead Tony and Pepper to the couch and hand him a usb stick. 

"What's this?" He asked.

"A computer virus. My revenge plan was to disembowel Jarvis if you hadn't kept your promise."

Stark eyed Loki who shrugged a shoulder. "Don't look at me. I only learned of it this morning."

"It's my creation, pretty nasty and should be destroyed." Said Brianna.

"How nasty?"

"It bears the potential to wipe out most of New York's power grids."

Tony was momentarily speechless. "I'll do that and am overjoyed you two became friends."

"Me too and sorry for being so rude when you touched my stuff."

"It's alright." Said Pepper.

"No it wasn't. You deserve to know why. Loki mentioned the homeless people right?"

"Yes."

"Dory was the first one I met. Taught me handy street smarts and helped shop for my boy clothes. Ran away from home because her moms boyfriend was a jerk. I encouraged her to call one day and when she learned they split up, convinced her to go home. Really smart person. Dreams of becoming an Astronaut. Anyway, she had a big crush on Captain America and gave me her favorite hat as a gift. Then I met Muriel. A mean looking older lady who was actually super sweet and protected me something fierce. Beat this guy up one night for trying to steal my blanket while cursing him sideways. She loved Chinese food and taught me self defence techniques, like how to poke a hole in someone's brain by shoving a chopstick up their nose." 

Everyone's ears and attention piqued as Tony wondered if Muriel was a distant cousin of Sasquatch's. "Hopefully not on live subjects." 

"No, silly. On a plastic skull she molded a face onto with clay. I paid for the supplies. Helping police identify people used to be her job in Arizona. Great way to kill zombies though. Best to behead them like with vampires and guarantee they've bit the bullet." Brianna then pulled a gold bracelet with a four leaf clover charm from her pocket. "Muriel was Irish and gave me this for good luck. It's too big so I carry it in my pocket. Before meeting you guys, they were the first people who were super nice to me. I fretted their gifts ruined in the wash." 

"I'm sorry." Said Pepper.

"It's okay. I was just a little freaked."

'And nearly built a cave for the abominable snowman.' Thought Stark. "We were more worried about you after the fact." 

"I could tell by your happy dance when I woke." 

"Hey, badass did one too. In the hall. You didn't see." 

Brianna giggled. "Thanks to you both for everything and I'm sorry for lying."

"Meh, we understand."

"I meant about not having a favorite Avenger. It's you uncle Cootyoodles. That's why I sought your help first. The Black Widow was my next stop."

Tony pictured Nat teaching her how to yank teeth out with pliers and felt twice as relieved for keeping that promise. "Nat's eccentric and hates zombies. I'm way more fun." Brianna suddenly hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. "Awe, Little Warrior. Friends forever?"

"Damn straight!" Then she did the same to Pepper. "I forgot to explain why you're a badass role model. Working so hard to become CEO of a massive company like Stark Industries and executing all that embodies? You rock! I hope to grow up as astute, diligent and athoritative. Maybe I'll run a company one day." 

"You already possess those traits and will exceed my achievements."

No one knew that better than Loki who cleared his throat. "Grandmother and Grandfather go to bed early, Min Lille."

"One more minute, please?"

"Alright."

She studied Stark, pondering the best way to implement her request. "You don't have to do this, but… Not all homeless people are bad or crazy like others seem to believe. Many hit hard times and the world is so expensive, they couldn't keep up. No one I met lived on the streets because they wanted to. There just aren't enough shelters or resources available. You're rich Tony and could help them. Will you try?"

As Loki had succeeded with Frigga, those beautiful pleading eyes won her case. "You really know how to pull a guys heart strings, kid. I promise." 

Loki wasn't aware she'd intended to ask this, yet was so proud of her. "Min Lille?"

"I know." She politely replied. 

"You have to go." Tony suddenly stood and darted for the hall. "Be back in a jiffy."

"Meet him by the elevator, or you'll never leave." Suggested Pepper. 

He returned and handed Loki a loaded Iron Man backpack. "More things? Shall I conjure a crate for the bifrost?"

They'd already given her an overstuffed suitcase of clothes and toys and Stark held a gift bag in hand. "Be quiet, you. It's a peanut butter stash. Does Asgard have bananas?" 

"Yes." 'Thank the Norn's.' 

Tony knelt before Brianna. "I would've packed some tater tots, but you ate them all again."

She smirked. "My goof." 

"Rascal. Try to ignore a wee, bitty smidgen, you aren't into girly stuff? We couldn't help ourselves with you off to Asgard."

Brianna pulled from the bag a pink baseball cap that said Warrior Princess in tiny diamond gems and proudly adorned it. "You sure know how to pull a girls heart strings."

"I put some Motown CD's in there too. Teach Dad to moonwalk." Loki sighed, pushed the elevator button and Tony playfully whispered. "From a distance. In case he trips over his own big feet." He hugged her again and summoned Jarvis.

"Yes, sir?"

"Our friend is leaving."

"Goodbye, Little Warrior." Said the AI.

"Bye. Sending you a virtual hug." 

She joined Thor inside while Loki shook hands with Tony, his expression saying everything. "Any time. Now get the 'bleep' out of my Tower before I thieve your Daughter."

Brianna shouted as it closed. "There's presents on your bed! I'll miss you!"

Peppers was a black t shirt with gold letters that read Badass Role Model and Tony's was a monsterous box filled with tater tots. 

"Don't do it, Butch. If you cry, I'm gonna cry."  
*****  
Loki had purposely slowed the elevator allowing her time to give Thor a drawing. 

"Mjolnir in a field of flowers? Thank you fair maiden." 

"It's a scratch n' sniff." 

"A what?"

Loki picked up Brianna. "You scratch the flowers, then sniff them. The effect is most appealing the stronger you inhale."

Thor took a whiff and wriggled his nose. "Quite the nostril tickler. What should they smell like?"

"Try harder." 'Doofus.' 

He took another, looked cross eyed at Loki and began swaying. "...Brother..you…" Then down he went striking the floor with a thud the tip of his nose covered in sparkly dust.

"Sorry, uncle Thor."

Loki chuckled at her wince. "The spell is mild and shall soon wear off."

"Is he hurt?"

Loki let her down to hurle the hefty Thor over his shoulder. "Us God's are resilient. Your uncle once endured a skirmish with the Hulk." After escorting them through a portal and delivering Brother oaf to his bed, he lead Brianna through a second into some woods. 

"That was awesome! Will you teach me how to do it?"

"Not in the near future. It's very complicated, darling and I'd hate to think you lost in another dimension." 'Or vanishing one day as an angry teen with a troublesome suitor I dream of throttling.'

"Okay." Brianna nervously scanned the area. "Now what? Carnivores hunt these woods."

"Northern Alberta is home to many. Never go outside without me and none will harm you."

"But wolves hunt in packs and grizzlies are bigger than you." 

He booped her little nose. "I'll smell them before they smell us and neither possess deadly weapons in interdimensional pockets." 

"Where our luggage is? I tried hiding bigger items in them and the darn things wouldn't come back. Hannah was furious, but I didn't care."

"What did you hide?"

"The back wheels of her Lamborghini, Gallardo. I overheard my Mother tell Claudia she got it from her rich boyfriend."

Loki recalled from spending time with Stark this wasn't a billionaire's vehicle, yet financially unattainable to the average Midgardian. "I see. Did she mention his occupation?" 

"Plastic surgeon."

Brianna deserved that minor victory and although he wouldn't encourage it, one cannot preach vengeance a negative path when mapping their own. 'Perhaps he'll be useful to the sluts after I'm done.' "Ah. Care to see what I did while you slept last night?"

"You left me?" She confusedly asked. 

He picked her up again. "It was necessary and I returned, yes? I won't abandon you, Og Min Lille."

"Never?" 

"Never, darling. "Loki headed for a shack nearby nestled amidst some bushes. With its crooked roof, faded wood and door minus a hinge the structure looked ready to collapse.

"We're staying there?"

"Why not? I'll conjure an outdoor toilet." He teased. "Sheltered of course."

"Ewww."

"Come now. At night we'll have heated beds and during the day, roast squirrels on an open fire." 

She scrunched her face in disgust. "Blech! I'd rather eat tree bark."

"You'll get an awful tummy ache." 

They entered the dingy space and Brianna instantly focused on the filthy floor covered in forest debris. So intently, she didn't notice the sturdier frames of the structure only visible from within. "How will we keep the door closed and is that poop?"

Loki rolled his eyes at some turds in a corner. "The cabin is made of Brazilian Ebony."

"One of the strongest woods on earth." She commented.

He arched an intrugued brow. "Stained to appear aged, it's also bulletproof in light of human hunters. Consider the other materials deceiving movie props. The 'raccoon' poop is genuine." It vanished with a wave of his hand. "Now, did you mean that door?" It closed and he conjured a deadbolt onto the surface with a panel directly above. "Place your hand in the center?" Brianna did and it glowed green, spreading magic from the center throughout every surface like glowing, emerald fireflies. As they dimmed, Loki turned around. "Or this one?" The floor, suddenly cleared of debris had a sliding glass door in the center. 

Brianna gasped in wonder, glancing between him and the mystery beneath. "Where does it go?"

"Did you think a sorcerer Prince would allow his Princess daughter to dwell in a shabby old shack?"

"Ancestry aside, I sincerely hoped not. Even an RV would've been better."

He chuckled at her frankness. "And you worried of uncle Thor bumping his head? The shacks purpose was added safety should a need arise and to keep our secret entrance hidden. "Once the outer door locks, only the interior alters. To outsiders, nothing changes." It opened and he carried her down a mutedly lit spiral staircase, each step progressively illuminating the space below. 

At the bottom, she slid from his arm in awe. "Shut the front door! You 'definitely' have to teach me how to do this."

Min Lille was referencing conjuring. Another ability Loki thanked the Norns she didn't yet possess, having confessed so before requesting Tony and Pepper's gifts. "In time. Beyond that archway, another surprise awaits." Loki followed and suddenly pondered Brianna conjuring a future dwelling for herself and that troublesome suitor. 'Lessons commence when your forty.'   
*****  
Thor woke to find two notes in his shirt pocket. One for himself the other, Astrid; 'Sleep well, Brother? We won't be returning to Asgard just yet. Please give this to my wife? I recommend waiting several days, discreet delivery and a hasty exit. A visit will follow and when interrogated, lie. Tell her Brianna came to you and don't mention her ice concoction. Unless you enjoy Father's company when several fries short of a happy meal. As I planned our escape without Tony's knowledge, do avoid his unnecessary panic and Pepper seeking our demise, by not telling our dear friend? Min Lille is safe.'

"That shyster." He grumbled. Jane returned in six days as would Astrid to a missing Loki. Waiting risked a molotov cocktail interrogation. His beloved and coronary inducing sister-in-law, banging down their locked bathroom door while the mighty Thor coward behind a shower curtain. Plus Maxi Waxis training schedule ended in two days. Bribery assured those lips zippered, but Heimdall would think his hastiness suspicious. He called to the trainee in the middle of the night, snuck into the palace and raced back to the observatory like the looney tunes road runner. "Spend it well nincompoo..eh he, Max. Asgard is lucky to have you." 

Guilt ridden over her outburst and already missing Loki, Astrid returned in the morning to find the note.

Frigga was preparing to join her belly dancing instructor when she barged into the foyer and flung herself at the Allmother. 

"Bwaaahahaa! I want a divorce!"

"Hells bells and bilgesnipe testicles. What has my shameless son done this time?" 

"Frigga, your language." Scolded Odin.

She patted Astrid's back. "Oh shush. As if your cursing hasn't scarred the servants ears."


	6. Hideaways and Sibling Kindness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A ripstonker is one who frequently breaks wind.

Brianna's surprise was a bedroom matching the guest room at Tony's and much more. Loki had conjured a two thousand square foot flat into an underground rock formation with sleeping quarters and private ensuites at either end. The main rooms were open concept, all the lighting adjustable to simulate midday or dusk and she followed his gaze to a set of drapes in the dining area. 

"I dare speculate what's beyond. Don't you?" He asked. 

Another room simulating the outdoors had a domed ceiling painted like the sky, two walls a tropical rainforest and the third a beach scene. Below it was a narrow pool, running the rooms length and to her left, a swing set and exercise apparatus. Brianna ran to him and squealed with delight when he spun her around in his arms. "You did all this for me?" 

"With great pleasure." 

"It's the best. Our own perfect hideaway, but aren't you exhausted?" 

He chuckled. "Had I conjured a palace, perhaps. My magic is very powerful."

She suddenly looked concerned. "Sooo, nobody knows I robbed those houses? I really don't want to go to jail." 

"Og Min Lille, no one. You're free now and shall never live imprisoned again." Loki wanted to erase those sad memories, but she was too young. It risked relearning to walk and talk, achievements well established in adults and possibly forgetting vital information that could help locate her 'imprisoners'. "Let's focus on the happier times ahead. I'm hungry are you?" Inside, he opened a suitcase of food taken from Thor's. "Can you believe the God of Thunder eats marshmallows? His face must resemble an oversized zit."

Brianna's giggle was so adorable he wanted to gobble her up. "Do you like pranking him?" She asked.

"Me? The God of Mischief? Nooo."

"Your nose is growing, Pinocchio."

"Who?"

She explained the character, Loki feigned panic, conjured a mirror and made funny faces while checking his reflection at different angles. "It's not a centimeter larger than the last time I looked. Who's the prankster?" They made smores together and Loki's first bite resulted in a glob of marshmallow dangling from his chin.

"It's okay." Said Brianna. "Uncle Cootyoodles wore most of his first time we made them. Pepper too. He was holding one for her taste when a glob fell down her shirt, she smeared some into his hair and what a mess that followed. Tony started chasing her around the island trying to stuff them into her pockets, but Pepper was crafty. She grabbed the partially melted ones and tried smearing more into his hair. When he blocked it, she slid one under his t shirt sleeve and mashed it into his armpit. They'd begun cleaning up when he snuck chocolate sauce from a cupboard and squirted some onto her head."

"Did uncle Cootyoodles get in trouble?"

"No. They chose a third target and boy did she become invisible fast." 

Loki laughed.

"Tony's super funny. Did you know he hides boxes of Count Chocula in their apartment?"

"Where?" 

"No way, Jose. I plan a return visit. He might not share if you tattle."

Loki suddenly felt trapped in a web of deceit. Telling Brianna that wasn't possible, or of his intention to move her to Asgard permanently risked jeopardizing her trust. Might she become angry enough to vanish at first chance? He could cap her abilities with a spell, but that meant the same and not learning her full capacity. He was damned either way and wondered if all parents shared this dilemma. Making decisions for their child's best interest knowing they'll be resented for them. And what of the biggest? Telling his Daughter she was a Goddess. With time on their side he opted to mull things over. 

That evening he gave her a swimming lesson, cut her hair into a bob with bangs, altered his to salt and pepper, conjured brown contacts and together they planned their first adventure.   
*****  
On Asgard, after reading Loki's letter in her private parlor, Frigga had whisked Astrid off to the observatory. 

Heimdall saw them coming and stiffened with the Allmother's scowl. 'Odin's toupee, Beelzebub is resurrected.' "Greetings my gracious Queen and my lady. What can I do for you?" 

"Find Loki, please?" The Allmother instructed.

"He's left realm?" Astrid replicated her scowl and he gazed into the cosmos. "Right away." 'Before one of you sprout horns.' 

The search was taking too long and Frigga caught on why. "Has my son veiled himself?" 

"I cannot see him." 'Fuck. How many holes can you dig in one lifespan, Fenrir?' 

Astrid looked ready to hyperventilate. "I didn't hide from him down there."

The Gatekeeper did like the Duchess, yet occasionally questioned her sensibility. 'Maybe because you lack such powers?'

The Queen dismissed her nonsense and calculatingly advised. "Worry not. I have a plan." 

Heimdall prayed to the Norns it didn't include an inverted pentagram.   
*****   
The next night, Loki and Brianna exited a portal into a dark alley in Paris. 

"This way, darling. You're going to love The Ritz." 

An inebriated man witnessed the phenomenon from his apartments alley window. "Sacre bleu! No more cheap merde for moi."   
*****  
In New Mexico, Thor was watching How to Train Your Dragon, thinking Toothless would make his Father a great pet. Odin blitzed on ale and the pair swooping down on Asgards Einherjar as he taunts the warriors. 'Catch me if you can, suckers!' Frigga's in pursuit on a skid. 'Land you ancient ripstonker or I'll tan your hairy hide!' He chuckled at the vision, crushed an empty beer can against his forehead and the doorbell rang. "Must be my neighbor Willie with another complaint. Yesterday the stereo's volume, tonight our TV's. Guess I should pity the old bugger, his surname being Stroker. Coming!" He politely shouted. 'Rickety ray of sunshine.' "Evening Mr...Astrid???"

"Hi." 

Thor inwardly cringed when she rolled in a suitcase and paused a second to think. Heimdall always delivered him to spots where Loki had hidden vehicles, but Astrid didn't have a license. "How did…" He picked up her luggage when the bell rang again.

"You should answer that."

He did to someone looking less a ray of sunshine than grumpy Mr. Kneads-his-knob. "Mother???" It suddenly clicked why Loki had warned him Astrid might visit. He'd intended to shield himself and Brianna from Heimdall.

"Don't look so shocked. Last summer your Father surprised me with a brief trip to Norway. A beautiful country, but too many nude beaches. While there, he taught me to drive and Seidre granted me a fake license."

"Why didn't you mention it?" 

"I had intended to surprise you by coming with Astrid and Loki on their next visit. In light of your mail delivery, I came sooner. Now where's your brother?"

"I don't know and presume he's veiled?"

"You're lying and we know he has a daughter." Said Astrid. "It was in the letter." 

She'd never addressed him so crassly and Thor dismissed it to upset. "I'm not and imagine it was, hence your presence. He spelled me to sleep with a tonic I thought ale and upon waking, they were gone. In 'my' letter, Loki apologized for leaving unannounced, didn't explain why and asked I make the delivery."

"Loki apologized to you?" Asked Frigga. 

"Yes."

"This I must see to believe. Show me."

"Impossible, Mother. He spelled that too."

"He what?" Asked Astrid.

"It's in the ink." Replied the Allmother. "The paper dissolves within minutes once exposed to oxygen." 

The Duchess shook her head. "This is wrong. Loki claims to have had no relationship with a woman he impregnates then runs off with a child they supposedly created without a word to his wife or Mother?" 

"She's right, Thor. If your Father and I truly do have a granddaughter, your brother should've said so, brought her to Asgard and introduced us."

"Loki didn't believe me at first, but knew the instant they met. Like myself."

"So he really didn't come for a bondage session with his big brother." Said Astrid. "You lured him here to meet the girl? Who introduced the two of you? Was the Mother blackmailing Loki and that's why they've vanished? How does he know this person and her daughter aren't working together? Any preteen could learn such skills!"

Thor had retrieved her from Heimdall's last drop and en route to see Tony, was subjected to her jealous assumptions regarding the stories. Loki had once mentioned similar behavior during a visit home with Jane, but this was over the top and he responded curtly. "That's bon-ding and could a six year old, Astrid? Enough with your antics."

"Thor Odinson, mind your manners and tell us everything." Demanded Frigga.

He observed the two expectantly glaring at him and pondered being in his brother's shoes. "No."

"And why not young man?"

Astrid spoke again. "Because he's lying, just like I thought."

The God frowned at his sister in law. "No, because I think I understand now why Loki vanished. Did either of you even hear what I just said? Brianna is six..years..old."

"Frigga's tone softened. "Brianna?"

"Yes, Mother, that's your granddaughters name. Which saddens me to say you'd know had you bothered asking."

"Well if you won't help us, I'll bet Tony knows where Loki is. I'll just call him." Said Astrid.

"You will not." Thor sharply reiterated. "I contacted Stark first thing and he knows nothing. The couple are on vacation. Leave them be."

"Son, at least have some compassion for her feelings." Suggested Frigga.

"Why? I haven't heard a shred of it yet for Loki from either of you and suspect he predicted the same. It's no wonder with our consistent lack of empathy towards him. Jane always disliked him yet the more I spoke of our history, her opinion changed. Humbling mine by insisting I see things from Loki's perspective and candidly pointing out Father's favoritism. I regret a lot, but this isn't a self pity rant. He and Brianna need someone on their side and I'm volunteering, so listen. All I'll reveal is she came to me and refused to say from where or how. I found her cowering inside my apartment after a run and willingly obliged her request to meet Loki." He looked directly at Astrid. "Your husband is innocent, knew nothing of her existence until I told him, yet carries guilt for not rescuing her sooner."

"'Rescuing?'" Asked Frigga.

"Brianna's short life hasn't been a happy one." Thor grabbed his keys. 

"Where are you going?"

"Anywhere but here. I need to think."

He left and Astrid sobbed. "I've behaved so selfishly and now Loki's facing this alone."

The Allmother squeezed her hand. "I'm just as guilty, darling, but do get your sexual references straight?" 

Astrid cried harder. 

"There, there. Loki has to come home eventually." 

"How..do you think he instantly kn..knew she was his?"

Frigga suddenly straightened. "Hells bells and Bilgesnipe testicles. Could she possess magic?" 

Thor hadn't left to think. Distrustful of Astrid, he needed an excuse to do the one thing Loki had asked him not to. Call Stark. "Heyyy, flying human. Have a minute?"

"Nope. Busy drinking tequila out of Pepper's navel. Later." 

She smirked when he hung up. "That was rude."

"What? I can't hold my phone, pour belly button shots and slurp all at the same time."

"Put him on speaker." She suggested.

"Stop moving or I'll pin you to the bed with my suit pieces."

"Now he's calling me. "'I'll' put him on speaker."

"A threesome with big guy?" Tony jested. "Can't we choose someone prettier?"

"You want a threesome? I never thought of sharing 'you' with anyone else." 

He belched. "That was ugly. Answer the phone, Butch."

"Hi Thor."

"Sorry, Virginia. It's urgent."

Stark had risen from the bed in his boxers and Pepper withheld laughter as he goofily attempted a full monty. "What's up?"

Thor finished explaining and Tony gasped. "Say what? Pepper and I were about to experiment with shock treatments via my tequila laden nipples and you ruined it." 

"He's kidding." She interjected. 

The God chuckled. "Whatever ruffles your truffle, Virginia. He's taking it better than Loki predicted."

"It's the booze."

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here people." 

"Astrid's on realm and has thought of calling." Said Thor. "I won't send her your way. This is just a heads up."

Stark scanned his naked self. "Not anymore."

"Tony." Scolded Pepper.

"Sorry, what?"

"I've convinced her you're on vacation and Brianna came to me."

"Thumbs up, uncle lightning wielder. Why Daddy Snowflake lie and run away?"

"I'm not exactly certain, but suspect to avoid family drama over knowledge of Brianna's existence."

"Are they loco en la cabezas? You tell Loki she can come live here. If she turns our apartment into an ice rink, I'm down with that. I'll teach her how to skate." 

Thor's respect for Tony was deepening over his unwavering affection for her. "If Loki contacts you, please warn him our Mother's here too?"

Stark shot upright. "Flaming flamingo fishnets! 'Thee' Allmother is on earth???"

"Not for long if I can help it. Astrid as well."

"'Atta boy! Duct tape them together and hurl 'em up the bifrosty."

"My Mother would have me quartered."

"Pooper shnickers. Saran wrap then?"

Thor laughed. "Virginia?"

"We'll play along. If Daddy Snowflake contacts you, tell him we're a phone call away."  
*****  
Thor opted for a local pool hall instead of going home, but Frigga waited up. 

"Does Brianna have powers, darling? I'd appreciate knowing."

He headed straight for his bedroom. "Jane comes home in three days. 'I'd' appreciate if you and Astrid returned to Asgard beforehand."

Frigga stood outside his door. "Thor…"

"Cover me in preserves and tie me to an ant hill, Mother. I'm still not talking."

"Sounds like a kinky ritual to enact on your Father."

He opened it enough to stick his head out. "Are you cray cray?"

"Possibly. If you aren't going to talk then come listen?" He begrudgingly obliged and they sat in the living room. "Forgive my rudeness earlier? I've been overcome with shock and bewilderment since Astrid came to me."

"No more so, than Loki."

"I imagine and have a briefened love story to tell you." 

"Again?"

Frigga smirked at the hint of disinterest on Thor's face. "Not mine and your Father's, Loki's and Astrids. When your brother was first pardoned, the people were angry. Palace staff addressed him only when necessary and on the streets, there was talk of him being a traitor. He was miserable so your Father and I allowed him back to Midgard if he promised to stay out of trouble. He rarely cracked a smile on visits home and during one, I convince him to attend a ball by threatening to sacrifice a virgin."

Thor's brows rose. "Mother, you didn't."

"Almost. A young handmaiden he coveted. I'm not as innocent as I appear. Loki spent a good part of it alone, brooding in a side parlor. I'd considered suggesting he lose the glare which conveyed to all, 'come any closer and I'll rip off your limbs' when noticing Astrid edging her way around the room, cautiously evading his sight. I later learned she wanted to greet him unexpectedly, so he mightn't be so quick to reject her. Then as she introduced herself and Loki rose as a gentleman should, he smiled wholeheartedly for the first time in over a year. As you do in Janes presence. Soon he began spending more time at home and no matter the ignorance of others, including her Father's disapproval of their courtship, she lovingly stood by your brother. They were walking arm in arm at last year's harvest festival when someone bellowed 'traitors whore!' Astrid said he furiously demanded the coward show themselves. When no one came forth, she announced to all listening. 'Taunt and think of me as you please, but never forget whose presence you're in. Prince Loki of Asgard, son of your King and Queen and I am his proud fiance, Astrid Heskin.' She's made Loki very happy and it shows in every aspect of his personality." 

"I'm just as impressed as I am confused." Said Thor. "If the feeling's mutual, why the constant jealousy?"

"It's between them I suppose." Frigga knew why, but withheld it in confidence.

"Sentiment aside, Loki never said where or when he planned to return. I'll have two days with Jane before she's back at S.H.I.E.L.D and I'm doing charity work. Nor can Astrid keep imposing on Mr. Stark when she and Loki have problems. Please take her home?"

"We'll leave tomorrow."

"Thank you. How did Father take the news?"

"He doesn't know and thinks I came to escort Astrid to Loki."

"Weren't we supposed to be bonding?"

"That, he would never believe and have surely gone to Heimdall. We told him Loki was helping you find Jane a new house as a surprise, Astrid missed him and wanted to help too. He waved us onward amidst his newfound kingly pleasure, a pedicure." 

"Father gets pedicures?"

"It's not as though they paint his nails slut red. Centuries in leather boots makes for terribly smelly feet."

"Still, that complicates things." Thor explained Loki's conversation about Frost Giants. "My crassness wasn't meant as an insult to his original heritage. After everything Brianna's endured, I merely assumed it information overload for her."

"Darling. Where is the difference in learning she's Jotun or Asgardian?"

"There isn't any. Loki wouldn't reveal all they'd discussed and I'd dreaded he'd informed her Asgardians opinion of Jotuns. That 'we' were taught to fear and hate them."

His words reminded Frigga of her own guilt and shame over lying to her son. "Your Father and I were catastrophically wrong for teaching that. He despised Laufey for senselessly attacking Midgard, but I'm just as guilty for not speaking up."

"His scorn remains, Mother."

"Only because Jotunheim are ruled by a secretive and fluctuating council since Laufey's death and are rumored to be allies with Svartalfheim. They want Nidavellir to join them but the realm will not, claiming fear of animosity from the others and losing their greatest source of income."

"Weapons."

"Yes. Secretly, they are 'our' allies. Through spies, we learn of every weapon they sell and to whom. Should the Jotuns attain this knowledge and see the Dwarves as traitors, your Father dreads an outbreak of war and the senseless demise of millions. The Jotuns tell your Father only enough to appease him and the constant uncertainty has led him to double the size of our Einherjar."

"More you have not told me? Mother, why?"

"You're happy here and in a strategic position as an Avenger. Midgard is safer because of you. Loki knows all of this yet your Father is so edgy, I'm uncertain how he'll react to him being veiled."

"I'm saddened to hear of his duress, yet intend on further mending my relationship with Loki. Wish to join me?" 

"Indeed I do." 

"Then lie to Father again. Don't tell him Astrid returned and ask her to visit her Mother. Have her agree your back up plan should he question Heimdall sooner is she spoke to Loki, but he'd taken Brianna to Disneyland to bond with her alone. Claim that's why he's veiled and said they'd return 'here' in two weeks. It covers our arses and hopefully buys him time."

"Disneyland?" She queried.

"It's a famous amusement park for children."

"And if Loki doesn't show?"

"We're dungeon bound. Pack a warm sweater." 

"Norns. How do I prevent Heimdall from seeing Astrid return?"

Thor groaned. "Snitch about this and I'll never forgive you. Max is sworn to service myself and Loki only or be fed to beasts. He takes bribes, but you can probably intimidate him into staying quiet with one glare."

Frigga jestingly rolled her eyes. "Such hooligans I raised." 

"Be grateful to him, Mother. His arse will also be on the line for worse than concealing a mail delivery."

She shrugged. "I'll tell your Father I threatened to confine him to my poisonous spider conservatory." 

Thor froze and asked similar question Loki had asked of him. "Are you truly 'our' relative? Asgards warm, kind and Allmotherly Queen?"

"Yes although formidable when required. It's a torture chamber, darling. So our enemies believe. They're artificial replicas of Midgards most deadly with tiny doses of various potions in their fangs. One induces diarrhea, another severe itching, hallucinations and my favorite, temporary paralysis. All with anecdotes, of course and they only attack via my magic. Imagine thousands positioned for battle."

Thor wondered if Frigga had inhaled too many fumes from her potion components and next he'd hear she'd conjured them tiny helmets. "You're right. I am happier here." 'With access to exterminators.'

"Do you think Loki is veiled out of fearing your Father's judgement?" 

"Primarily."

The Allmother regretfully sighed. "I'll speak with Astrid in the morning." 

She passed him and Thor faced her. "Mother?"

"Yes?"

"Brianna's amazing. Intelligent beyond her years, braver than some Einherjar I've known. You will love her instantaneously and yes, she has powers. The rest is her Father's privilege to disclose." 

Frigga's smile conveyed gratitude. "Thank you, son. Goodnight." Astrid slept like a log and with magic, she carefully removed her wedding ring, entered the ensuite, made a replica of it for herself and began whispering. "Loki, darling..."   
*****  
Astrid's ring was on, but Loki wasn't tuned into its frequency, didn't hear his Mother's message, nor of a link to the spell that accessed hers. He was too overwhelmed to endure his families negative rantings. As Brianna slumbered in luxury, he read more of her Mother's diary and lurched forward, seething upon discovering an adversary. 'You?' 

Loki added the name to his shit list of most wanted. 'Consider yourself marked, fucker.'


	7. A Wee Chip Off The Old Block

Astrid apologized, agreed to everything and Thor lead them to a location to hide their vehicle.

"Loki will be pleased to know your helping."

"I should have thought to from the start." She regrettably admitted.

Frigga hugged him. "Thank you for agreeing to take her back should this fail."   
*****  
For eight days, their plan worked until her Father paid the palace an unexpected visit. 

Odin was in the front courtyard boasting to some Einherjar about beating an Embassador at charades, when their commander, Nedvar, interrupted. "Ignoramus at twelve o'clock, Sire." 

The King groaned. "Splendid. It's Rodderick the dipshit." 

"Give the word and we'll pitch him over the wall."

"Tempting, but what do I tell my daughter in law?" Odin hated the occasionally unkempt Lord who preferred perfuming to bathing and greeted him from behind a hedge. "Welcome Roddy. I look so forward to your unscheduled visits."

The disdain was mutual with Roddy feeling Astrid could've done better than wed whom he considered a criminal, Prince or not. "Greetings, Heiness. Might you be so kind as to share the knowledge of when your son intends to return?" 

Astrid's parents had two daughters, her being the youngest and known to the Royals as her Father's least favorite.

"That depends on whom you miss more. Asgards lovely Duchess, or my son? Her beloved pardoned Prince. I can give either a message."

"Miss? Impossible as Astrid's practically taken up residence again. Should I relay you wish she ceased luring her Mother from bed crying, or send her home to disturb your sleep?"

"I wasn't aware she'd returned from Midgard. Has age required you hearing aids, or were you night prowling in hopes of accessing Ingrid's locked bedchambers again?"

Roddy frowned and crassly replied. "The lovely Duchess returned with Frigga. Is your wife telling lies, Allfather? Mine would never." 

Odin cackled. 'Festering dimwit. Ingrid is banging my valet.' "You shall regard Frigga as 'Queen' and with utmost respect." 

"My apologies. She is celestial, yet your defensiveness is revealing." 

Roddy liked poking subtle jabs at the Royals and assumed Astrid a barrier to consequence. Most were directed at Loki and the King, but he'd worn Odin's patience too thin. "Insult anyone in my family again, including your daughter and face repercussions. Be gone, Rodderick."

"So soon?"

Odin's jaw clenched. "Leave egghead before I crack it on the pavement. Nedvar, escort him to the gate."

"Gladly, Sire." 

Roddy followed, hardly perturbed. "One might expect the offering of a beverage after a stuffy carriage ride." 

The commander jolted the gate closed. "Try opening a window Lord Heskin. If you're thirsty, there's a pub nearby rumored to host naked wrestling in the basement. Some days it's ladies, others gents. Enjoy."

When Odin entered their chambers bellowing to the Allmother, her lady in waiting sent word through a chain of servants to a handsomely paid Stableman. Familiar with an alternate route to Astrid's parents, he arrived ahead of Roddy and rushed her to the observatory. 

Thor received her call and left immediately. 'Shite, brother. Where art thou?'   
*****  
Following two days in Paris, Loki and Brianna cruised Lake Laguno in Switzerlandand. She questioned him about Asgard and her grandparents, yet when asking the circumstances behind his adoption, Loki spun a tale of half truth. 

"Jotunheim had a King named Laufey who owned a magical cube that opened bridges to every realm. Long ago, he used it to attack Earth. Grandfather bravely defended your realm, forced his army back to Jotunheim and demanded he relinquish the cube. Laufey refused and continued attacking Asgards army until most of his people died. Grandfather found me alone amidst the rubble and decided to adopt me."

"You didn't tell him who your parents were?" 

"I was an infant and the only survivor for miles."

"Where was Laufey?"

"He'd gone into hiding like a scaredy cat."

Instead of finding his comment amusing, anger washed over Brianna. "He abandoned a helpless baby to freeze? Introduce us and I'll use him as target practice."

Loki booped her nose. "I'm honored you wish to avenge me, but Laufey died and still suffers in the afterlife." 

"How?" 

"King scaredy cat will never have the privilege of meeting you."

Brianna smiled. "Or you. Was Grandfather hurt?" 

"He lost an eye, but recovered nicely." 

In Amsterdam, they visited the Artis zoo with over 900 species of little animals, an aquarium, planetarium and Zoological Museum. Further confirmation Brianna's his was how quickly she learned enormous amounts information and remembered the smallest details when later initiating a quiz. Since confessing to the burglaries, Loki was curious how she knew the homeowners were abroad and worked it into their conversation.

She replied like it was all in a day's work. "Dory accompanied me to different parks in fancy neighborhoods around Jersey, posing as my babysitter. Between eavesdropping on adults and questioning kids, it's amazing what you can learn inside a sandbox." 

"Questions of what nature?"

"Like, 'I'm new to the neighborhood and love my big house. Where do you live?' Or, 'I'm going to visit my aunt Matilda's lavender farm to make soap.'"

"How was that helpful?"

"Most thought it dull and bragged of their families planning grander trips. Once attaining addresses and dates, I'd stake out their houses and proceed from there." 

"Ah. With Dory as the lookout?" 

"I left her in shelters or nearby motels. She never figured out how I managed, but by the third burglary, stopped worrying whenever I'd sneak away and send her a text." His eyes widened and Brianna rose a palm. "Dory lacked powers and I wouldn't risk her arrested because of me." 

Why lecture when she'd acted out of desperation to find him? "You're a good friend, Og Min Lille."

"Thanks. I regret the stealing, but pranking the authorities was fun." 

Loki thought it something innocent like tipping off their hats, but discovered her mischievousness paralleled her intelligence. 

"I always struck at night and at one house, four police were investigating inside when I turned on the lights, flushed every toilet and set off their sirens. At the third, I poured a large olive oil path onto the kitchen floor, slammed a pantry door and watched two come running. One slid into it and fell, while the other amusingly contorted himself until the first tripped him. They sure swear a lot for the good guys."

"Brianna." He playfully scolded. "Say you did nothing worse."

"I'd be lying."

"Oh?"

"At the last house, the master bedroom had black drapes and life size models of a lion, wolf and a fang baring polar bear on its hind legs. Weird people. After aligning them near the door, I closed it, extinguished the lights and tripped the alarm. The police came, shone a flashlight inside and from the foyer, I made the bear roar."

Loki chuckled. "Did they scream?"

"And shot the bear."

"What?!" He led her someplace quiet. "From now on young lady, all pranks must meet my approval or…" While pondering means of discipline, he blurted what first came to mind. "...All shoulder and piggy back rides are discontinued." 

He made both fun, thought Brianna. Bumping into things when her hands covered his eyes, then flipping her over his head for tickles. Or feigning valiant attempts at shaking her off to escape enslavement.

~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~  
"Have mercy and release me!" He pleaded, captured during a picnic.

Brianna popped him on the head with her fake sword, a stick with a bushel of leaves at its tip. "Cease your begging, pheasant! I rule this realm, appoint you my new zombie slayer and hunter of all things chocolate. Fail and be fed to puppies!" 

Loki set her down and knelt on one knee with a hand to his chest. "A frightful demise your majesty of cuteness. I humbly accept."

"Daddy, I'm supposed to be fierce." 

"Eh he he he. Sorry."  
~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~

Brianna deliberated his threat and wittingly proclaimed. "Are you not the God of Mischief and I your offspring?" 

He arched a brow. 'Don't laugh or she'll never take you seriously.' "I mean it." 

Brianna had already pulled some under his nose. A boy who'd aggressively budded before her at a park slide discovered his shoelaces tied together after nose diving into the sand. A woman at a restaurant who harshly berated a server had red wine spilled onto her Gucci bag. Minor sprinklings of karma she happily administered. 

"But you're still a prankster."

"Rarely and without endangering anyone." 'Shite. I'll need to keep that fib under wraps.'

Brianna crossed fingers behind her back and feigned defeat. "O-kay. Can I have a snow cone now?"  
*****  
After seeing the Northern lights in Norway, they'd returned to their hotel where she became oddly sombre.

"Has something upset you?" Loki asked.

"During our travels, I've seen many people with children. It's obvious they're loved, but my family..why, Daddy?"

Her pain pierced Loki's heart as she clung to him. "People can do terrible things for incomprehensible reasons, but you're my little girl now and I'm overjoyed you've come into my life."

When her tears ceased, she unexpectedly opened up about the women. Her first memory was of Jillian singing her to sleep at age three. She and Claudia taught her to talk, walk, bathe and dress herself, brought her toys, fictional and educational books. Yet it was Jillian who'd paid her the most attention, their visits consistently monitored by Hannah. A person so controlling and void of sentiment, Brianna wondered how the trio became friends. The woman opposed their closeness and the first time Brianna defended her Mother, she was forbidden upstairs without Hannah present, who ordered Claudia to report otherwise. This became impossible when the two landed full time jobs. With Jillian delegated homemaker, Hannah was forced to trust her. Over the past year, she'd broadened Brianna's computer knowledge, snuck her for walks to a hidden trail entrance off the main road she'd marked with glow in the dark tape, taught her outdoor safety and survival skills and always stressed keeping everything secret, especially Brianna's magic or Hannah would separate them for good.

"Jillian knew of your powers? Why have you never mentioned any of this?" 

Brianna frowned. "She bread me to thicken her purse. No amount of secrets and added kindness makes that excusable or her worthy of commeding."

An undeniable fact Loki avoided arguing. His daughter was hurting and preaching Jillian might've experienced a change of heart could impede their relationship. 

She halted his conflictual thoughts by bashfully asking. "Do 'you' love me?"

"Very much, Brianna."

"Can I stay with you forever? Please? I'll move to Asgard."

Loki doubted she comprehended the gravity of her words. "Forever doesn't mean a month long visit as we previously discussed. It involves permanently residing on another realm thousands of miles from Earth where the landscape, culture, even people's wardrobe's are entirely unfamiliar." 

"I know. Devoid of space travel, would it be any different if I moved to India, Antarctica or say..Bhutan?"

"I suppose not. I'm sorry, Bhutan?" 

"It's a small country just south of China. I memorized Earth's geography and most of its cultures in one month." 

"Very good." 'Genius supreme. I must catch up.' "Then you're willing?"

She yawned, proudly raising her chin. "Affirmative. I'd like to see those sandbox dwellers top that adventure." 

Incredibly relieved, Loki chuckled. "You've ten remaining seconds to gloat, sleepyhead. Ten..nine.….three, two, one."

"Hey, you said those last digits awfully fast." 

"It's time for vampire pajamas, your fierce and Royal Highness." 

"A story too? Will you conjure The Empty Grave by Jonathan Stroud?" 

"The Empty 'what?'" He amusingly queried. "No way, Jose. I've chosen three options of popular children's literature from the internet. The Cat in the Hat, Whinnie the Pooh, a rather peculiar name for a bear and Charlotte's Web."

"Isn't the last tale about a spider?" 

"Yes." 

"They're creepy. I choose that one."

'Mother would be impressed.' "Hurry then before zombies find us and eat my brains!"

Brianna shouted from the bathroom. "Nobody hurts my Daddy! Huyya! Take that you fiendish barbarians! Uh oh."

Loki rushed in upon hearing glass crack and found her standing on the bathtub ledge. "What did you do?"

"I was pretending to fight them off with my hairbrush when it flew from my hand, struck that picture and landed in the toilet."

He laughed renewing both with magic. "Your toothbrush is safe, yes?" 

Loki finally thought her asleep when she reached out for a hug. 

"I'm sorry, Daddy. I forgot to say I love you too. Goodnight." 

His heart swelled twice its size. "Goodnight, Og Min Lille."  
*****  
Next they ventured to London and a budding lover of history, Brianna asked to visit The British Museum. While viewing a dinosaur skeleton from an upper walkway, she pointed into the crowd below. 

"Daddy, isn't that Tony?" 

He took a gander. "Well, well. Iron Man it be." 

"Who's the strange lady he's with?"

"Pepper, darling. She often wears wigs to avoid recognition."

Her eyes brightened. "Please, can we say hello?" 

"Inconspicuously. I'll him send a text." Daddy concealed his phone. 'Greetings kinky crossdresser. What brings you to Londinium?' 

'Loki???'

'Yes. Act casual, we're hiding.' 

'Holy shit! We're on vacation and at the Savoy in the Royal Suite. Can you meet us there ASAP? It's important.'

'We're on the ninth floor. Rendezvous in an hour?'

'Ha! We'll be there with balls on!'

'Come again?'

'🤪 Bells, dammit! Bells!'

'😂 Brianna can't wait.'

Tony hurriedly guided Pepper through the crowd. "Excuse us..pardon us..excuse us."

"Where's the fire?" She whispered.

"Daddy Snowflake's in town. Hustle, Butch."  
*****  
Their door opened and Brianna ran to him. "Uncle Cootyoodles!"

"Little Warrior! Am I happy to see you!"

The couple listened with enthusiasm about everywhere she'd been, then Tony asked to speak with Loki alone.

Virginia led her into their bedroom. "Wait 'till you see all the cool stuff I bought." 

"That'll keep her busy." Said Stark. "Pepper's a London shopaholic. So why the vanishing act? Thor called me."

Loki scoffed. "I did tell him not to."

"Don't be angry. Astrid returned and wanted to contact me."

"Why? You knew nothing."

"She didn't believe him. Neither did your Mother and Thor worried they'd show up at the Tower." 

"What?! Our Mother came to Midgard in search of me? Shit..shit!"

Stark told him everything and Loki's face was unreadable. "Nope. There's nothing weird about staring like I've grown a nipple on my face." 

"Did I mention it's pierced? You're saying 'my' brother, Shakespeare in the park, lied that extensively for me?"

"Yes and sent them back to your Dad to expand on it. What's everyone's problem with an awesome six year old anyway? Is that why you didn't go home?" 

"Becoming a parent, you're suddenly bombarded with complex decisions centered around one tiny person you never fathomed loving so deeply, much less an indisputable desire to protect above all else."

Stark smiled. "Look at you. The master of Sheisterism all growed up..whose dodged my question."

Loki sunk into a chair. "Maturity aside, my life is a mess. Asgards people still regard me a traitor, Astrid and I are constantly arguing and it's completely unfair of me to expect she Mother a child she didn't bare and Odin's my grandest worry for classified reasons I've become an insomniac over. I can't subject Brianna to that. Her life has been dreadful enough."

"Not anymore. She has you now. I endured shitloads of public and political outrage over changes to Stark Industries. 'Wealth aside', I thought it my doom. People adjust and opinions fade. Astrid will come around once they meet. Look at the number Little Warrior did on us."

"She 'is' irresistibly charming."

"Whatever gramps issue is, arrange for her a few rounds with the old coot. She'll straighten him out." 

Loki smirked, picturing Brianna dancing circles around the Allfather. "My Mother would buy ring side seats." 

"See? The bulk of your family is on your side. Let them help."

"As appealing as that sounds, Astrid will expect hours of explanation I haven't the energy to convey. I love her, but she 'is' a drama queen."

"Eligible for an academy award." 

Loki's eyes narrowed. "Piss off, flying human."

"Thor's willing to talk without the wifey knowing. I've a burner phone as you tend to appear in the strangest of places." 

"Mm. Like when I ran into you in a sleazy massage parlor near Carnegie Hall?" 

Loki was still a bachelor then, but Tony wasn't. 

"I didn't know they offered sexual favors until the masseuse grabbed my dick. They weren't listed on the brochure."

"Eh he he he. I'll call when I've a chance."

They clammed up when Brianna exited the bedroom. "Can I go Daddy, please?"

Pepper followed. "Sorry. I blabbered the Tea shops chocolatiers add finishing touches to their masterpieces at this hour."

"You may." Said Loki.

Tony slipped Little Warrior fifty euros. "Buy me an eclaire and keep the change. Badass ate mine."

"Yay! Thank you!"

They left and Stark unpacked the phone. "Here's your chance while Brianna's absent. Text him, 'Garage?'"   
*****   
Jane distracted Astrid while Thor sat in the cabin of his truck and the brothers soon cleared a lot between them.

"I'm not upset you deceived me anymore Loki, nor is Mother. Yet I'm worried Father's making her life miserable. Are you fearful he'll scorn Brianna?"

"Not up for discussion and relax, brother. You've been gone a while. Mother's gonads have grown."

"She's taking male hormones?"

"I meant she's less meek? Have you dropped the toaster in your bathwater?" 

"That only happened once." Thor defensively replied. "I was late for a waxing of my package and hastening making breakfast. Nor have I recently smoked Jane's medical marijuana. She threatened torture were there not enough to ease her menstrual cramps again."

Loki deadpanned. "Norns you're a tit, fruit of Odin's loins.' "How's Astrid?" 

"Coping. Jane said she'd do anything to see you again."

"Coping amidst stewing over my bedding of another 'Midgardian hoe' I've fathered a child with, and the humiliating circumstances involved."

"Believe me, brother, she too is no longer angry and the diaries contents stayed within Stark's walls. It isn't my story to tell."

"Your software needs reprogramming, impersonator. Thor Odinson was never so thoughtful of his sibling."

The blond laughed. "He's turning over a new leaf."

Loki had sought privacy in another room and suddenly heard Brianna desperately calling him. "I have to go. Don't tell Astrid we spoke yet." Upon opening the door, she threw herself at him. 

"Daddy!" 

"What happened?" He asked Pepper.

"We neared the shops door when she gasped, bolted for the elevator and started frantically pushing the button." 

Brianna was trembling. "Darling, why are you frightened?" 

"We can't stay here, Daddy! She's down there!" 

"Who is?" 

"Hannah!" She cried. "I'd know that red headed witch anywhere!"

"Shhhhh." He soothed. "I promised they cannot hurt you, remember? Stay here with..."

Brianna wrapped herself tighter around him. "No Daddy! Don't leave me!"

She was so distraught, he couldn't. "I won't, Min Lille. Shhhhh." 

"Virginia's gone." Said Tony.

Loki's head shot up. "Back to the shop?"

"Yeah. Said the witch looked familiar and went on a hunt."

"Fuck! Get her back here!" Brianna jumped from Loki's voice. "Sorry Min Lille. Tony, now!"

"Erm..why?" 

"Because they've met! If Pepper confronts her, she'll vanish!"


	8. The Witch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Min Kjaerlighet means my love in Norwegian.

Pepper returned from the lobby to an edgy Tony. "Was Hannah down there? What took you so long to answer your phone?" 

"No and I was talking to someone." 

"You stalled to make new friends? I worried you were dragging said witch up here in a headlock."

"Wrong. Is Loki still consoling Brianna?" 

"Yes."

Pepper dropped a mini bomb and Tony disconcertedly sighed. "He isn't going to like this." The couple appeared at the guest room door. "Hey, Little Warrior. Feeling any better?" 

She nodded.

"Badass and I wondered if you'd stick around. Maybe Daddikins can conjure Mario Kart? I miss you kicking my tushy."

Virginia's nervous smile had Loki encouraging it and once Tony had Brianna distracted, they slipped out of sight. She conveyed returning to the Tea shop, claimed Hannah resembled an old friend and asked which direction she'd gone in. The cashier said she did a double take at something in the lobby, appeared as though seeing a ghost and dashed towards the hotel exit without her purchases.

Loki's face became a storm of tumultuous emotions and she startled when a snap of his fingers conjured a book. 

"Should I have said nothing?"

He cynically chuckled, scanning the title pages. "Ever thought your God in heaven found amusement in bombarding your life with fuckery, like the Norn's do mine? The arm of his celestial robe hanging high while he mockingly inspires you with a goblet of mead? 'Rise up, Homes. I'm off for a shag with Mary.'"

"All Midgardians have."

"Have all dragged their only friends into Alice's fucking wonderland where the big bad wolf keeps hounding at the door? Excuse me, I'm intertwining fairy tales." 

"Probably half. Are you okay?" 

"Right as rain, girlfriend. Right, found it. I haven't used this spell on a child and need the right measurement of ingredients." 

She nervously stumbled over a pair of small shoes. "A 'spell???'"

"To make Brianna sleep. Shhh. I must concentrate." 

She watched, dazzled, as tiny bottles appeared mid air and part of their contents emptied into his cupped palm. Moving it in a circular motion, they combined like fluid sand, glowed a soft white, then faded into transparent flakes as the book and bottles vanished.

"Calmly return to the main room with me?" 

They did just as Tony blundered a turn at Mario. "I'ma gonna givva you such a smacka, you cartoon pisano."

When Brianna laughed, Loki waved his hand before her face from behind. "Forgive me, Min Lille." 

"D..dad…"

Tony caught her. "What's up with the magically induced coma?"

"She's better off." Said Loki, sharper than intended. 

Stark situated Little Warrior while he paced, grinding a fist into his palm. There hadn't been time to process any definitive plans to apprehend Brianna's captors and discovering the fourth incited a rage only her reciprocated love had contained. Now, his nerves were stretched to their limits, forcing him to convey more than he wanted, risk finally reaching out for help and configure one. Fast. 

"Scotch, Snowflake?"

He sighed heavily and stopped. "I must keep a clear head and so should you. The secrecy and lies, the hiding, everything I've done has been to protect Brianna and yourselves since the instant she graced my life. If I'm to continue, we need to trust each other completely. No matter how disturbing my information, you will make no inquiries, tell no one and from here forth, do 'exactly' as I say. Should you veer off course, we leave for real and you'll be fighting a dangerous battle alone. You may regardless if I can't contain Thor's rage over this."

"A battle with who?"

"This will hit home, Tony. Give me your word."

"It's yours, Pepper's too, right?" She nodded. "For insurance, she can text you a pic of me in a chastity belt. Hell, send it to Jimmy Kimmel. Are we good?"

"I'd rather you signed a wager to become a goat. How much longer is your suite booked for?"

"Another ten days." 

"Virginia, pack for a week please? I need your help with Brianna at a safe house. Tony, contact your pilot. You're going home."

"Alex is in Aruba celebrating his girlfriend's breast implants. 'Why' Loki?"

"Fuck." He muttered. "Because I'm certain Fury's involved in Brianna's existence and you 'don't' want him up your shit when you aren't there. He was fucking Hannah and six and half years ago, introduced her and Jillian to Viriginia at his fiftieth birthday bash." 

Tony slid both hands down his face. "I..shit..whoa. How do you know that and who's Jillian?"

Pepper frantically retraced her memory. "Jillian...was she the petite brunette with doe like eyes?" 

"Congratulations." Loki replied. "You've also met Brianna's Mother. It's all in her diary."

"WHAT?!?" Said the couple, shocked.

"Save your questions! If Brianna's the reason Hannah bailed, by now the evil foursome knows she's escaped and you're aware she exists. Were I Fury, I'd be gathering my accomplices for interrogation, initiating a low key search for the four of us and putting eyes on the Tower 'and' Thor, where he'll find Astrid. Please, 'help me.'"

"Okay, okay. Can you teleport me back?" Asked Stark.

"No. Fury knows I have that ability. If S.H.I.E.L.D's watching and never see you enter…"

"What the fuck? You think they're involved too?" 

"Oh my god." Said Pepper.

Loki tuned them out and conjured a bag of burner phones. "Book a seat on the next flight out in any class. Delete our past conversations and cease using your phones to contact me. If Brianna awakens, have her call me on one of these. I'll be back before dawn."

"You're leaving???" 

"Yes. To relocate Astrid and warn Thor. Wish me luck he doesn't break New Mexico." 

Loki vanished into a portal leaving the couple aghast. 

"Well Butch, we're up to our eyeballs in another shit storm. I should've ignored the flu and gone with you that night." 

She cracked a tiny smile. "Before or after you fell asleep next to the toilet?"

Tony nodded, observing Brianna in her slumber. "And dreamt Buzz Lightyear brought me our duvet."

"High fevers induce hallucinations. That was me in a white pants suit." 

"You sure sounded like 'Tim The Toolman Taylor.'

He was doing it again. Comedically rambling off topic to cushion the blow of a truth that rubbed him wrong from every angle.

"Tony?" Said Pepper.

"Hm?"

"Promise no veering? I haven't trusted Nick since Steve found those weapons on the Helicarrier."

"None of us Avengers do either. I won't, he's too dangerous. With the ability to fuck us over worse than any accusations of harboring a missing child could. Virginia..this is bad. What more was in that diary?"

"It is, but we have to stay focused. A sleep deprived, frazzled Loki discovering we aren't ready, won't want to talk. I'll get our suitcases."

Tony followed. "Did you bring a warm coat? I'll bet he conjured that safehouse in the Siberian Tundra."   
*****  
Loki first returned to their room to collect his and Brianna's things. Time was crucial, but before seeking Astrid, he needed to tune into her ring. Left on, it steadily recorded her and using a hologram, he rewound to the day he departed Asgard and quickly scanned through the mundane. 

He watched her pained reaction to his note, heard hers and Frigga's spiteful words, witnessed their treatment of Thor, heard himself being defended, their following remorse and the lies conjured betwixt Mother and son. Although impressed by Frigga duplicating Astrid's ring, he wasn't in the mood for another presumed 'lecture on morality' and fast forwarded to them parting ways in Asgard. 

Night after night, he saw Astrid entering Ingrid's bed chamber and once heard his Mother in law scolding a hidden Roddy from her doorway. "Doth's thou newest mistress prefer perfuming as well? Your stench giveth you away." 

He'd have laughed if not for Astrid's tears, but when forwarding to the present, she wasn't sleeping at Thor's. His means of travel would remain portals and high on adrenaline, he arrived to gather her belongings and cringed at the sounds of lovemaking. 

"That's it princess. Take your Kings tallywacker like a good girl."

'Norns.' Loki conjured more burner phones, blared the living room's television and Thor came running, cock at full mast. "Brilliant way to greet an intruder, dingus."

"Brother!" Thor exuberantly bellowed on approach.

Loki conjured a dagger. "Hug me naked and tallywacker gets beheaded. Where's Astrid?"

"At the Rosewood."

Loki frowned. "You let my wife, who hops realms on a fucking whim, stay at a hotel???"

Jane came rushing down the stairs in a Betty Boop robe and he arched a brow. "Hi, Loki. It's only for two nights and she offered to give us time alone." 

Thor's smile faded. "I didn't hear anything in the guest bedroom. Did you bug our house?" 

"Yes, brother. 'I', snagged a side job installing covert surveillance on Midgards superheroes. Spark another spliff and do cover your cock?"

Jane did with a decorative plate from the dining table. "Astrid's room number is 718."

"She won't be returning. Do not leave, answer the door, your calls, or open the blinds. I 'will be' returning, but briefly."

In a flash, he was gone and Jane looked up at Thor. "I can't call in this soon, my vacation just ended." 

"Loki wasn't asking, Jane. Something's awry."  
*****  
Astrid had risen early and after seeking ice, dropped the bucket upon discovering Loki in her room. Accustomed to wearing Midgardian attire, her blue jean leggings contoured her shape, highlighted by a white tank beneath a second of mesh knit. Her blond waves cascaded down her breasts and she looked so virginal without makeup, his loins ached.

"Hello, my lovely."

Unsure what Thor had conveyed, she hesitated approaching. "Hi. I would offer you a drink but..." She knelt to gather the cubes and hide a falling tear. "I hav..haven't any liquor."

Loki lovingly gathered her into his arms. "Astrid."

"Forgive me, Min kjærlighet." She sobbed. "I made you run when needing me most."

He kissed her lips and cheeks. "I ran for a multitude of reasons, but have left Brianna sleeping to come for you."

"You knew I was on Midgard?"

"Not until recently and you mustn't be angry with Thor for not conveying so. He stayed silent at my request, even to Jane and was oblivious to our location. You mean the world to me as does Brianna now too, but something's gone wrong and I fear you're both in danger. It would take too long to explain and there's so much I must before you meet."

"Then let's return to Asgard. Wouldn't we be safe there?" 

"We can't yet."

She slowly slid from his embrace, confused. "Brianna's in danger, yet isn't with you or Thor. She's with Tony and Pepper isn't she?"

"Yes, my lovely, but you can't be angry with them either. They've been wonderful to her."

"I'm not, I'm sad again. Everyone knew about her before me. What does that say about 'us', Loki? Are we okay?"

He embraced her again. "Yes. Darling, Tony, Pepper and Thor knew of her before I did too and you knew before Jane."

"Really? Wait, Thor lied to myself and your Mother?" 

"Astrid, please. He had to, they too might be in danger and Brianna will panic if I'm not there when she awakens. Come with me to a temporary location until everybody's situated?" Loki kissed her hands. "It means being shielded from Heimdall for a while. If not, Thor can..." 

She hastily kissed him. "I'm not returning to Asgard without you."

Loki wanted to bed her until she wailed his name so loud, her voice cracked every window in the hotel. "Prepare thyself, my lovely. You're going underground." 

While she checked out, Loki ventured to Alberta and created her a lesser version of their bedchambers in Asgard.

Astrid caressed the beds plush duvet of greens and gold. "You replicated everything." 

He conjured her luggage. "I wanted you to feel at home." 

She smiled. "I'll be okay, Loki. Go."

With a newfound determination, Loki returned to Thor. "I thank the Valhallas you've dressed." 

"You've seen me naked before, brother." 

Loki addressed Jane. "He was playing nude hide and seek in the backwoods with some maidens, late for another archery lesson. Our father sent me searching. Without appearing rude, may we please have a moment alone?" 

She frowned at Thor. "I'll be in the garage inflating my bicycle tires." 

Thor waited for the door to close. "You could've said we were teens. How have we been compromised?" 

"Clever, brother." 

"Are Brianna and Astrid safe?"

Loki nodded. 

"Flying human and Virginia?"

"Not if Jane talks."

A loud growl from Thor soon had her running back inside. "Holy shit on a pogo stick!"

He was standing in the living room holding their heavy glass coffee table above his head with Loki in his face. "Throw that and it vanishes before landing."

"Then I'll break something else!"

"This is why I kept information from you! Think rationally, Thor. Your neighbors will post this all over social media. How will that benefit any of us?"

He gently placed it down. "Brother, he..a child?"

"I know, but please let me handle it my way?"

"She's your daughter. I respect that. What do you need from us?" Loki eyed Jane and Thor sighed. "Yes, you can trust her." 

When he was done talking, she hurled on the carpet while Thor pondered murdering Fury.

Loki used magic to clean it up. "You have my instructions. No interfering."

"We understand, brother. Go."  
*****  
After leaving the Savoy, Hannah had rushed to the nearest pharmacy and returned to her hotel, spitting sparks. "That lying bitch! Her little brat does have powers!" She checked out, checked into another across town and called her boyfriend. He answered from a plane on it's way to England. 

"Hello, pretty lady. Did you enjoy your heart throbs play? Wish I could've come."

Hannah eyed the stolen silk tie Tom had used to bound her wrists the night before and deviously grinned. 'I don't. Hiddleston and I hooked up.' "Tom was amazing." 'With a dick that makes yours look microscopic.' "How was Mrs. Finkelsteins second facelift?"

"Useless, but she's rich. I bought you some new lingerie."

"Did you keep the receipt? I'm breaking up with you."

"Hannah, why? What will I tell my parents?"

"Life doesn't always work out as planned? Don't miss your connecting flight to Sweden. Bye." 

She hung up, turned her ringer off and opened a box of black hair dye. "Now that I'm screwed, so are you 'Pepper Potts' and your billionaire boyfriend."


End file.
